


ENT Limericks

by HouseOfTucker_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Humor, In-Jokes, Limericks, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:08:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 28,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29522019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HouseOfTucker_Archivist/pseuds/HouseOfTucker_Archivist
Summary: This is a compilation of a thread on the TrekBBS in the ENT forum, called "ENT Limericks," and its successor on the House of Tucker BBS.
Relationships: Jonathan Archer/Charles "Trip" Tucker III, Malcolm Reed/Charles "Trip" Tucker III, T'Pol/Charles "Trip" Tucker III
Kudos: 2





	1. Trek BBS Limericks

**Author's Note:**

> This is a compilation of a thread on the TrekBBS in the ENT forum, called “ENT Limericks.” Limerick threads debuted in all the forums, and people wrote a few limericks for the other series at the time, but the ENT fans just kept this insanity going for _years_ , rarely dropping off the front page. 
> 
> Sometimes limericks were one per post. Sometimes people “Story, Story”-ed it and contributed one or two lines per post. There were complaints about messy threads, additions of non-limerick doggerel, and commentary about the posters themselves. In other words, a typical BBS thread.

001  
While in Decon with Mal and Trip  
After Phlox made them both strip  
Hoshi screamed, “Don’t you dare!”  
With a big wide-eyed stare  
And Archer made Freudian slips. 

002  
That stoic Brit Officer, Reed  
Had stashed quite a large bag of weed  
While toking up large  
Imagined himself a garage  
And swallowed two (shuttle)pods with speed.

003  
Poor Cutler, quite lacking for suitors,  
cried, “abstinence drives this girl scooters!  
I must need a sukoshi  
non-cleavage — like Hoshi —  
or siliconed Vulcanized hooters!”

004  
With senior officers preparing to dine  
Travis said, “The bridge is now mine.”  
The time was at hand  
To make some commands,  
But the writers failed to give him some lines.

005  
A quisling in latex named Daniels  
Whose time hops had angered his spaniels  
Had a point to be made  
So he said they’d be spayed  
If they didn’t stop chewing his manuals!

006  
Mal went to Decon with Trip  
To avoid infecting the whole ship  
They slathered with gel  
Trip let out a yell  
Cause Malcolm had made a lewd slip

007  
_Enterprise_ was a powerful ship,  
Well maintained by her engineer, Trip.  
But when ratings were low  
Off to Decon he’d go  
And down to his skivvies he’d strip!

008  
Buff Space Boomer Mayweather sat  
and watched evay try to herd cats.  
When one climbed up his leg  
For mercy he begged  
And at least got one line out of that. 

009  
There once was a Chief Engineer  
Who could mesmerize folks with his rear  
He made posters _::THUD::_  
Rolled ’round in the mud  
And when he strips down, we all cheer!

010  
Buff Space Boomer Mayweather sat  
with the grin of a satisfied cat.  
Teeth as white as Fran Drescher’s  
made his grin a Cheshire’s —  
and who was surprised about that?

011  
The Vulcans made Coridan’s bed,  
but Archie lay in it instead.  
He attempted to stall,  
or get help from T’Pol.  
Her solution? A boob to the head!

012  
A creature as ugly as Moogie  
gave Archie an empathic Noogie.  
Our slash-fodder Dykes  
found out what it likes,  
and appeased the Great Terrorist Loogie.

013  
That blue-faced commander named Shran  
gives beatings as well as he can,  
but feels chagrin  
as he cleaves Archie’s chin:  
if only poor Jon were a man!

014  
The Suliban Silik sneered, “Jon,  
You’ve seen me without my cloak on!  
But I know what’s ahead;  
you’ll end up in my bed  
And we’ll smooch it up at the next con.” 

015  
Let’s go give Porthos some cheese  
For good puppies we aim to please.  
But he can’t digest  
He’ll make a big mess!  
And we’ll vomit when seeing it, not sneeze! 

016  
In the Galley one day Chef did see  
Porthos noshing on Gouda and Brie  
He shouted, “Hey! Pooch!  
C’mere, give a smooch!  
Just don’t get too excited and pee!”

017  
Archer knew that Trip’s plainspoken manner,  
Often came out like a sharp tongued hammer.  
Trip told Xerafin  
“Why’re yew buttin’ in?”  
And turned on the “Tidy-Thread ” jammer. 

018  
There was a young ensign called Travis,  
Who peed in a Catholic chalice.  
Captain Archer agreed  
It was done out of need,  
And not out of Protestant malice.

019  
A Klingon from Nantucket Seven  
Walked into a Seven-Eleven  
He got a big Slurpee  
That made him a her/she  
And her girlfriend was promptly in heaven!

[Sometimes one limerick was completed by two people in different posts.] 

020  
The clever Andorian Shran  
Beat Archer to pulp, hand to hand.  
“You’re doomed!” Shran cried,  
“No more!” Archer lied  
And put his boot to that blue gland.  
021  
That aggressive Andorian, Shran,  
Beat Archer to pulp, hand to hand.  
“You’re doomed!” Blue Boy cried,  
“No more!” Archer lied,  
and went back to lovin’ his man. 

022  
“Enough! ” shouted Forrest, “You’re through!  
I’ve had it with the whole crew!  
_Gazelles?_ — What a speech!  
You’re no one to preach!  
Now I’ve got to head off a coup!”

023  
T’Pol said, “The sensors are wrong!  
It simply cannot be that long!  
The sensors don’t lie;  
It fills half the sky.  
Look, Porthos! A bone big as Hong Kong! ” 

024  
Archer digs guys in the pool  
As he says, “Polo is cool!  
Though I’d watch this with Trip,  
Another Freudian slip  
Would make me look like a great fool.”

025  
Our Denobulan doc is so sharp  
That he cured all disease with a carp  
But a Suliban face-lift,  
Allowed him to shape-shift.  
Now his wives can strum him like a harp.

026  
When Trip bumped Mr. Reed in decon  
Malcie took it for some kind of come on  
“But...but... ” Tucker stammered.  
“I’ve just been TripHammered,”  
Mal sighed, and said “Sorry, there, Jon!”

027  
Trip whispered to Jon, “Want some beer  
In the quarters of your engineer?”  
“I’d love one! ” snapped Polly  
They both flinched at the volley  
Hissed Trip to T’Pol, “You’ve an ear!!”

028  
Poor Jon Archer’s head, how it ached!  
Knew his gazelle speech was half-baked.  
So he went to Doc Phlox  
For some bagels and lox,  
And his sigh of relief was not faked! 

029  
The Tuckerites clamored “More Trip!  
He’s neat! -’s great!! -the best on the ship!!! _< —“Clamor Effect”_  
When he’s not in an ep,  
The tale has no pep.  
And into sweet dreams we all slip.

030  
Poor T’Pol’s got a disease  
“Mind-meld? Ewwww!” Vulcans would tease.  
And though Archer cares,  
He was caught unawares.  
The Council’s ignoring his pleas.

031  
Phlox was done trimming his nails  
(The point where ENT’s audience bails).  
But his pets got a snack  
And what they gave back  
Came from their cute little entrails

032  
The “ENT Event ” shows T’Pol’s stigma.  
She really is quite an enigma.  
“I can’t figure out why  
But she’s damn brave to try,”  
Said a sister at Tau Kappa Sigma _( <—T’Pol’s old sorority)  
_  
033  
That Feezal has sure got some moves!  
Trip’s honor refusal behooves.  
But she won’t give up  
She SO wants to shtup  
Trip’s aghast! Her husband APPROVES!

034  
Feezal did what would best be called “harass”  
As Trip showed he’s not hard to embarrass  
Vulcans hate that Pa’nar  
And find Archer sub-par  
And T’Pol nightly curses Tolaris.

035  
Every alien chick likes some Tucker  
Every alien dude thinks he’s a sucker  
Jon and Mal roll their eyes  
At the sound of their sighs  
But our boy is just a head-ducker.

036  
Malcolm set up an alarm  
To keep the whole crew safe from harm.  
“s’ like a big bag o’ cats!  
Wearing funky green hats!”  
“Commander, that’s part of its charm!”

037  
Archer can’t sit in his chair,  
To Trip he appeals for repair.  
Then Trip gets obsessed;  
Archer’s ass will be blessed  
But his poor feet will dangle mid-air!

038  
Soval and Shran had a talk  
While Archer tried hard not to gawk.  
While up on the ship  
He started to drip—  
So Porthos took him for a walk.

039  
Trip’s level-headed command  
Kept Tucker the Third in demand  
But his passion for coffee  
And a voice like warm toffee  
Made this poem end sooner than planned!

040  
Mayweather never gets lines  
So there at his console he pines  
For soliloquies long  
By Sussman and Strong  
And steering the ship through live mines.

041  
What’s up next on ENT’s “Movie Night ”?  
Could it be? A skin flick, _XXXcite!_  
T’Pol sat with Hoshi  
Thinking “does she or don’t she?”  
While Reed longed for a bloody good fight.

042  
Dr Phlox lost his temper one day  
In the classic Denobulan way  
His ears spewing wax  
Caused Reed to make tracks  
Before toenails came into play!

043  
“Those humans!” said Phlox with a laugh  
While in Feezal’s rose petal bath.  
“You’d think they would see  
That, while she’s with me,  
I’m willing to go half and half.”

044  
I just couldna stand it nae longer!  
To ditch this thread couldn’t be wronger!  
In Porthos’ name we’ll strive  
To keep it alive  
Our agreement here couldn’t be stronger! 

045  
A glorified mechanic named Trip  
Was actually smart as a whip  
When folks started to whine  
It ran straight down his spine —  
Their life support needs only a *snip*.

046  
A Reed-alert makes the crew jump  
They jolt when the ship hits a bump.  
But fear not, good crew  
Mal knows what to do:  
His phasers make Suliban go *thump*!

[This limerick used the BBS quote function, repeatedly nested. The episode featured time travel and short sequences being repeated, to the characters’ consternation.] 

  
047  
When Trip and Mal worked on the pod  
They started to note something odd  


>   
>  When Trip and Mal worked on the pod  
>  They started to note something odd  
> 
>
>>   
>  When Trip and Mal worked on the pod  
>  They started to note something odd  
> 
>>
>>> When Trip and Mal worked on the pod  
>  They started to note something odd

_hey now..._

A wrinkle in time?  
“Was that your line or mine?”  
“We’ve done this before, my old sod!”

048  
Was that Dr. Cochrane? I say!  
He was lost when his ship went astray.  
The nameless dead guy  
Is human. But why  
Can’t we ID all his DNA? 

049  
Oh crap! The collective is back!  
To Hell with defense. We attack!  
Mr. Reed, arm the cannons!  
Just fill them with Brannon’s  
Bad writings. Assimilate that!

050  
It looks like they’ve got a skin rash  
Since the crew had that Decon Gel Bash  
What’s wrong with plain soap?  
With germs it can cope  
But gives no juicy fodder for slash!

051  
Why are Andorians blue?  
Would you want Tarah to hit on you?  
With antennas so sweet  
She’s so neat and petite  
You forget she could break you in two.

052  
I was watching some old eps of ENT  
And into dreamland I was sent  
What is this blue goo  
I’m rubbing on you?  
It’s lovely...wait for it...I’m spent! 

053  
“Pecan pie’s a tasty good snack”  
Said Jon as I rubbed down his back.  
“It’s so sticky sweet;  
Chef makes it a treat.  
As for calories, I don’t keep track!”

054  
Trip said “I just love to explore!  
And I don’t want to know what’s in store!  
The journey’s the thing  
And the wonders it brings  
Make me want to cry ‘Wow!’ all the more! ” 

055  
“Vulcans do not touch their food,”  
Said T’Pol, kinda blowing the mood.  
Trip joked, “Let’s have ribs!”  
Hoshi yelled, “I got dibs  
on the corn! ” and a food feud ensued!

056  
Potatoes flew this way and that  
On windows the coleslaw went splat  
Trip had mustard in his hair  
Mal’s curry? Everywhere!  
It was culinary combat! 

057  
The Denobulan love potion spilled  
Into the iced tea. They were thrilled  
By the sight of pink smoke  
So each horny bloke  
**** the other ’til they were fulfilled.

058  
Said Trip by the Borg nanoprobed,  
“I was showering, had barely disrobed,  
When drone Four of Seven  
Glimpsed my ‘Staff of Heaven’  
In slo-mo while all the lights strobed.”

059  
On the bridge: “Captain, Borg are attacking us!”  
In engineering: Tucker’s starting to cuss.  
Reed cries,“Have no doubt,  
Travis, bring us about!  
And I’ll fire up the phase blunderbuss!”

060  
On a transport ship to Canamar  
Trip and Archer were sure they’d go far  
When to their great surprise  
Before their very eyes  
Malcolm pasted the baddies to tar!

061  
Jon’s casual coat is brown leather  
It stands up to all kinds of weather  
But it can’t take a dose  
Of a femme lachrymose  
And it don’t fit old Trip that well ether. 

062  
What was that on Chatty Guy’s face?  
Black Plague. He’s the doctor’s test case.  
His wattles were flapping  
His pie hole was yapping  
And Trip’s thinking, “Damn, where’s my Mace?”

063  
Invulnerable Shuttlepod One  
Flew into a wormhole for fun.  
Now thrusters are down  
But we needn’t frown  
’Cause we’ve still got the ca’pn’s bourbon!

064  
“First contact went well!” Archer crowed,  
But gasped as the warp engines slowed.  
Trip groaned, “Not again!”  
Jon said, “Don’t worry, men,  
We’ll just call Triple-A and get towed!”

065  
In the ENT limerick thread one fine day  
ProcrastINated folks like evay  
She spent too much time  
Divining each rhyme  
And frittered her evening away.

066  
blingawa dared our A4T  
To go on a Trip Tribute spree  
Okay, so he’s smart  
But I know in my heart  
That Malcolm is still *IT* for me!

067  
To his home we gave Klaang a ride.  
The Vulcans were acting quite snide.  
Up popped Suliban  
Trip stripped for decon  
And T’Pol’s look could only deride. 

068  
They tracked the slick Suliban ship.  
Future Guy made Silik just *flip.”  
On the helix time slowed  
Silik sneered and crowed  
And Archer yelled, “Beam me up, Trip!”

069  
Hoshi had a strange dyin’ worm  
With fear, that poor Hoshi did squirm  
But a pep talk Trip gave  
And the starship-turned-grave  
Found a home for the aged and infirm. 

070  
The camping trip started out well,  
Then dissolved into psycho-ward hell.  
Trip succumbed to the pollen  
But T’Pol just kept stallin’  
And NoName screamed “Leaves?? What the frell!”

071  
Trip got knocked up by Ah’Len  
Though he’d been a complete gentleman.  
Craving ice cream and pickles  
Feeling intercostal tickles,  
“An’ I start my Lamaze classes, when?” 

072  
Trip appeared just a bit in this snoozer  
(Recycled, real boring, a loser)  
A whole bunch of shale  
The inhabitants did inhale  
I blame the crashed space ship cruiser.

073  
P’Jem stood mysterious and silent  
To explore Cap’n, Trip, and T’Pol went.  
But Shran was suspicious  
The monks meretricious  
And the listening post’s last signal was sent.

074  
While the comet was given a snowman,  
Trip’s snooping made the sh*t hit T’Pol’s fan  
Archer griped at surveillance;  
T’Pol took an “I’ll stay ” stance  
After Trip coaxed her with his pie, pecan.

075  
An apothecary named Riann  
Pretty soon took a liking to Jon.  
But she glowed in the dark  
And Cap’n’s first lark  
Lasted one kiss before he was gone. 

076  
A ship full of boomers (like Mayweather)  
Had a Naussie pirate on a tether.  
Archer: “Please be humane.”  
Boomers: “His pain, our gain!”  
“Now get in this cargo box together.”

077  
The ENT crew was then dumped into space  
While the Nausicaans boomers did chase.  
Travis talked them around  
With his wisdom most sound.  
Travis talks! What a great change of pace!

078  
They all came to see the Great Plume  
Silik’s sabotage prevented doom  
But when duty calls  
Daniels walks through the walls  
Unfortunately, he went FOOM.

079  
We’ve been scanned! Who did it? And why?  
Reed’s folks made us all want to cry.  
Trip and Mal fixed the guns,  
Scared off the silent ones,  
Then had pineapple cake on the sly.

080  
An alien ship, most silent  
Turned out to be rather malevolent  
But with Reed and Trip’s science  
and the Captain’s defiance  
Earth’s response to the bugs was quite violent

081  
Dr Phlox enjoys keeping in touch  
With his IME colleagues and such  
But which was the subtler?  
Valakians or Cutler?  
He chose the Menk, liking them much.

082  
There was a Klingon named Bu’kaH  
Who demanded to be released **DaH!** (now)  
While T’Pol, Hosh and Mal  
Tried to keep up morale  
Trip said, “Cap’n, qaH, Qah ghaH jaH.” (sir, help her go)  
_[A4T: evay, you’ve turned me into a Klingon-speaking geek!!! (No offense intended, K-S G’s)]_

083  
Trip said, “Gee, T’Pol, we’ll sure miss ya!”  
“Me too — and I still haven’t kissed ya!”  
But then rescuers blue  
Sent communicator stew,  
Saying, “This is payback ’cause we pissed ya! ” 

084  
“Do not make OMT cranky!”  
(Mal sniffled a bit in his hanky.)  
They used ’tato mash  
To seal up the gash  
And then huddled under a blankie.

085  
Trip and Mal thought ENT was dust.  
Malcolm said his farewells, but Trip just  
Popped a fifth of good whiskey  
they didn’t get frisky  
Instead our boys learned about trust.

086  
They met new Vulcans, wild and crazy,  
Impulsive, obnoxious, and lazy.  
T’Pol played mind nookie  
With Tolaris — tough cookie!  
Trip danced for Kov like Patrick Swayze. 

087  
The Eskans were hot on the trail  
of a Drayjin wraith (their “holy grail ”)  
Archer’s fantasy date’s  
face (From poems by Yeats)  
In real life looked more like a snail.

088  
Trip wandered in his tighty-blues  
While the rest of the crew had a snooze  
’Til Archer’s bold plan  
Scammed the big-lobed clan  
And Krem’s offer T’Pol did refuse.

089  
When Odo crashlanded the Kantare  
He made holograms to live life our way  
Then Liana met Trip  
And everything let rip  
’Til with Rocky Road he did her mind sway.

090  
The Kantare were not what they seemed;  
Through their heads too much light gleamed.  
They nabbed Trip for repairs  
But alien babe affairs  
Occupied him until he ice creamed!

091  
Arch and Travis were nabbed with precision  
Subject’d to Tandaran derision,  
When up popped good bud Al  
(Didn’t know his old pal)  
‘Suliban’ ain’t the Mal _I’d_ envision!

092  
The Snot Monster’s got five poor souls.  
Hoshi tries to discover its goals.  
Jon gets in their heads  
Gives commands like sleep meds.  
Trip’s survival excuses all plot holes!

093  
V’Lar is a crook! Or isn’t she?  
A Vulcan with humour? It cannot be!  
The rude Mazarites  
Thought they’d put out her lights  
Jon asked Phlox to save her — and didn’t he?

094  
Zobral enticed Archer and Trip  
for geskana their shirts off to rip,  
“Male ” soup made them gag,  
Damned heat made Trip sag,  
(Let’s rewind to that part where they strip!) 

095  
“There’s no crime on Risa,” said Trip  
“Rock-climbing is safe ” — Travis’ slip  
Then our boys got mugged  
And poor Arch got drugged  
While Hoshi smiled all round the ship

096  
No Paraagan got out of there hurtless  
When Daniels time-zapped Jon, why shirtless?  
Angst, guilt, and contrition  
A Soval-cancelled mission  
And a 31st century Earth-less?

097  
T’Pol said, “I’ve a story to tell  
(And a lovely NY bridge to sell)  
’bout how I made Velcro  
With a pool-husslin’ fel-low  
’N blew first contact history to hell!”

098  
Malcolm said, “I’m the man for the job!”  
As he held back a skewered-leg sob.  
Jon’ll work while he chats  
Watched by Romulan rats  
And carefully twists each dial fob.  


099  
On and on whined the ‘Angel of Doom’  
“Boy, you suck the life out of the room.”  
Said Jon, “Stop being lame!”  
As the Rommies took aim  
They got clear just in time for the BOOM.

100  
The creepy white station’s repairs  
Seemed an answer to everyone’s prayers.  
But Mayweather’s body  
Makes the deal shoddy  
To think “proto-Borg” no one dares. 

101  
Our captain was upset and cranky  
The episode was really stanky  
The Pyrithian bat  
Knew where it was at  
And flew into Hoshi’s white hanky.

102  
Klingon Korok growled, “Where’s my stuff?”  
Said Archer (again _::rolleyes::_ ) “That’s enough!”  
T’Pol held a class  
On how to kick ass  
And Tessic and friends called their bluff.

103  
T’Pol was disturbed by her flashbacks  
And her self-control start’d to show cracks.  
Trip worried, but still ate  
Phlox and Reed had to wait  
And _Travis_ (!) found the biotox packs.

104  
“From my pocket it must have slipped!”  
So back to the planet they tripped  
Mal and Archer in trouble  
Trip’s down at/on the double  
With a half-cloaked right arm equipped.

105  
“CARRRRRROTS!!!!!!” echoed from the mess hall.  
Trip and Mal, like young schoolboys they did brawl.  
Dr Phlox went knife happy.  
Archer’s writing was crappy.  
But at length they were saved by ol’ T’Pol.

106  
A transporter malfunction; what shock!  
Hoshi’s gone like a dryer-lost sock.  
An alien scare  
Gave her courage to dare  
To transport, and Jon didn’t mock!

107  
In a box, Tucker found sleeping beauty.  
To return her, unharmed, his duty.  
He’s King of the Swamp.  
(In which they did romp )  
Even though the good woman was quite snooty.

108  
A terrible storm was a-brewin’.  
They hardly knew what to be doin’.  
Then rude troopers boarded.  
“No showers!!?? ” Reed snorted.  
And the poor ship was nearly ungluin’.

109  
The moon spun toward blazing dawn  
(Which means Trip had fewer clothes on)  
While Trip skyward looked  
The alien cooked  
But Trip managed to save Zho’Khaan.

110  
While Phlox played the doc for old Tee-Pol,  
His wife earned the nickname “Ms. Feels-All”  
By rubbing our Tuck  
Like a haresfoot for luck  
While Jon showed the Vulcans were real small.

111  
Shran wanted Jon in the middle  
of the Vulcan-Andorian riddle  
Tarah got herself canned  
Trip shone in command  
but Soval hates to play second fiddle.

112  
Archer and Trip were camped out  
(Which would lead them to trouble, no doubt)  
But with Reed around, skulkin’  
And that nosey-assed Vulcan  
It seemed they’d continue their “drought .”

113  
Proud Archer’s head once more went Boom  
On the roof-beams of his Captain’s Room  
Note to self: Talk to Forrest  
“Ship designed by a Florist?”  
And about three feet tall, I’d assume.

114  
Mal’s got a shiny new gun  
It’s big ’n’ powerful — what fun!  
Applying pressure to the trigger  
Makes his !@#$ grow even bigger  
and all he wants is a “hole in one ”...

115  
Hoshi sat sweetly at the comm  
As Travis said, “Girl, you’re da bomb!”  
and well Once you go black,  
you never go back.  
So Hoshi said “Let’s get it on!”

116  
Dinner at the Cap’n’s table  
Went all wrong when Chef was unable  
To fill the request  
Of a dignified guest  
And empty the Augean Stable.

117  
Reed tossed a banana peel on the floor.  
The Cap’n, a clown suit he wore.  
Then Trip threw a pie;  
T’Pol, seltzer apply’d.  
“April Fools! ” to their guests they did roar. 

118  
Trip’s practical joke did misfire  
All over Samwise of the Shire  
Xander laughed til he burst  
“Trip, your jokes are the worst!”  
Yelled Leia in her princess attire.

119  
Wissssp!Trip really went for the chow  
And his friends weren’t leavin’ nohow.  
Hoshi simmered, Mal leered,  
Tough!Phlox was to be feared  
Concerned!Archer furrowed his brow.

120  
Wissssp!Trip had everyone fooled.  
Wisssp!Malcolm Reed said, “Yeah, Sex Ruled!”  
Travis nearly got gored  
Rostov’s Wissssp soon got bored.  
Some saw PJ!Polly and drooled. 

121  
In his quarters Trip wailed on the harp  
Carefully nailing each flat and sharp.  
Archer joined him to jam.  
Porthos howled. Reed said, “Damn!”  
And Travis hid under a tarp. 

122  
Denobulans must hibernate  
(But if you wake ’em early, it’s great.)  
Their looks of confuse-ment  
Give lots of amusement  
As scenery they masticate.

123  
Phlox said,“I must really insist  
You remove your big schnoz from my fist.  
That this could occur  
You were warned. But dear sir,  
This takes you off my Christmas list!”

124  
Tucker had nothing to do  
(which partly was why this ep blew).  
He had like six lines  
and most of ’em whines.  
It looks like the short straw he drew.

125  
“Enemy of the Empire! ” they yelled  
Until Archer and his advocate gelled  
T’Pol persuaded  
A prison guard aided  
And obstacles to honor felled.

126  
Hoshi and Trav took a ride  
In a pod down to planetside.  
But once there they found  
That the place did abound  
With aliens obnoxious and snide!

127  
T’Pol said, “There is no logic  
In greasing the engine with aspic.  
If you really can’t tell,  
I prefer decon gel  
Because it makes all the parts click. ” 

128  
Archer said, “Arm the phase cannons quick!  
That ugly ship’s making me sick!”  
Mal advised, “Don’t be hasty;  
As a target, they’re tasty,  
But Sir, don’t force me to lick.”

129  
Hoshi said: “Death to the Umpire!”  
Archer: “Oh, no! A new translator we must hire.”  
“No sir! I’ll do better!  
But a Klingon crank letter  
Does not my best effort inspire!”

130  
When Travis gets a few lines  
As in the messhall he dines  
They rush to sedate him  
Lest gushers inflate him  
Or he makes like Beltran and whines. 

131  
In the midst of printing a stack  
Of maps the computer went black.  
The damn thing crashed soundly  
And I cursed it quite roundly.  
It’s three weeks till hubby gets back.

132  
Poor Dominic blew out his knee  
“I stretched it too far, don’t you see?”  
Now his vacation’s shot  
(or curtailed a lot)  
But at least it was him, and not _me._

133  
Mal went out to shoot a cow  
’Cause Trip wanted ribs for his chow.  
But the rustle in the grass  
Was Porthos, alas!  
But that’s something Ol’ Archer won’t allow. 

Mal went out to shoot a cow  
Doo-dahhh! Doo-Dahhh!  
For target practice and some chow!  
Oh, doo-dah dayyy!  
Reed-alert all night!  
Reed-alert all day!  
I’ll bet my money on that uptight Brit  
One shot blows that cow clean awayyy!!

134  
Bad news makes the Sweet Spot feel sour  
Paul “welcomes ” Trav home with a glower  
“I’m the king of this ship,  
Don’t gimme no lip!  
But while you’re here, boost up the power.”

135  
T’Pol wasn’t too keen on seeing _Frankenstein_.  
But she dug it! And chowed popcorn like human swine.  
All pumped for tomorrow,  
While dressed up like Charo,  
The Doctor said “This is sublime!”

136  
A young Vulcan lady, T’Pol  
Tagged along on our journey from Sol  
You’ll be shocked to discover  
She was blonde undercover  
This ditz was no Vulcan a’tall! 

137  
Travis’ brother Paul’s now the Captain of _Horizon_.  
He’s the worst skipper we’ve ever laid eyes on.  
Except maybe for Jellico on the Ent-D,  
Who Riker thought was so Stinky  
When Picard was being asked how many lights are on.

138  
I know a Lieutenant named Reed  
Who quick-draws with magnificent speed  
But he’s worthless with guns  
While he ogles the buns  
Of that pointy-eared lassie. Indeed. 

139  
Intercoolers are reading at nominal  
And I’m feeling a craving abdominal  
If you’ll observe my station  
I’ll enjoy mastication  
Of a steak and a couple of Tylenol.

[At this point, evay suggested using a modification of _terza rima_ , “third rhyme,” which is the poetical structure popularized by Dante Alighieri in his famous epic poem _The Inferno_. The idea is that the 3, 4 rhyme of one limerick becomes the 1, 2, 5 rhyme of the next, to cut down on the _silver, month,_ and _purple_ lines. Most people did it, although not all.] 

140  
Shuttlepods One and Two hover  
Over the statue called “Lover”  
So Trip can get pics  
And watch Malcolm fix  
The ceiling that’s broken above’er. 

141  
“With the crew, please endeavour to mix.”  
T’Pol’s glare would’ve melted glazed bricks.  
But when Archer insisted  
And Phlox’s face got joy-twisted  
She relented, but still got no kicks.

142  
There was a good doctor named Phlox  
Who reputedly never wore socks  
When I once asked him why  
With a glint in his eye  
He said, “I like toejam on all of my smocks.”

143  
T’Pol gave Trip a look chilling  
When he asked “Care for raspberry filling  
In the tarts Chef just made?”  
She sniffed “No, lemonade  
Is what I’d prefer to be swilling.”

144  
Now I’ve more times than once heard it said  
That in Starfleet ships there is no head  
Now that’s bad news to me  
For I really must pee  
Else my bladder shall drown me quite dead.

145  
Have you noticed the way Vulcan women  
Are not terribly fond of swimmin’?  
I suppose it’s because  
They do enjoy bearclaws  
And their swimsuits just ain’t all that slimmin’. 

146  
One morning, I asked Captain Hector  
’bout the girl in his Bussard Collector  
“I believe, ” he told me  
“That’s just rumors, you see,  
For our sensors have yet to detect ’er.”

147  
At Movie Night, Trip’s eyes were misted  
Though from sobbing aloud he resisted.  
“Ah just love Ingrid  
Since Ah was a kid!  
But that doesn’t mean Ah am twisted! ” 

148  
Shore leave on the planet Rezade  
Was int’rupted by a space pirate raid.  
But the bad guys were thwarted  
When their circuits were shorted  
By a squirt gun full of Gator-Ade!

149  
T’Pol was by aliens courted  
Though their compliments simply — aborted  
She raised her left brow  
In combo with staunch scowl  
And left, saying simply “Sorted! ” 

150  
Trip’s accident with Archer’s towel  
Was followed by Trip’s quick avowal  
That ’twas meant as a joke  
But towel-snapping a bloke  
Is sure to elicit a howl. 

151  
The planet had gone up in smoke  
Which made all the fleeing folks choke.  
But T’Pol, Mal, and Trip  
(working hard on the ship)  
Had to hustle lest anyone croak.

152  
Mal needed help to unzip  
the pocket that caught on the pip  
of his friend there beside  
him after he tried  
to play zero-G Twister with Trip. 

153  
With Andorian ale they were plied  
’Til Jon, Trip, and Mal were cross-eyed  
But try as she might  
T’Pol could not fight.  
And went along for the blind drunken ride.

154  
This thread’s gone on 13 weeks  
(That’s a whole quarter-season for geeks)  
And is still going strong —  
I might break into song  
Or jump up and down ’til I freaks!

155  
In sickbay Jon camped for the night  
(Gave all Phlox’s creatures a fright).  
But most frightening of all  
Making poor Cap’n squall  
Were the PJs the doc wore so tight. 

156  
Black leather he wore — slightly small  
The Cap’n said “Trip, that’s some gall!”  
“It’s been lyin’ on the shelf;  
Looks damn good on my self,  
And besides, it just freaks out T’Pol! ” 

157  
Poor Phlox has got bats in the belf-  
ry — and one of them’s Helf-  
rig (named for the demon  
from Buffy this season)  
And another named after an elf.

158  
T’Pol said, “Just give me one reason  
You won’t stop that immature teasin’.”  
I see a ‘pinch’ coming  
Or a kick to the plumbing  
or guts, which will then leave you wheezin’.”

159  
T’Pol’s outfit is no kind of turn-on.  
Why’d she go and put that jaffurn* on?  
All the guys are depressed.  
Even T’Pol is distressed,  
’Cause there’s no signs of the meeting adjournon!  
_*jaffurn, an article of clothing primarily constructed from a certain furry fabric made from a common Vulcan animal; this fabric is infamous for making its wearers feel uncomfortably itchy to the point of illogic. Its name comes from the Ancient High Vulcan word “jaffurn ,” meaning “a nonsense word that rhymes with ‘turn’._ ” 

160  
Sang Hoshi on her banjo strumming  
The tune that the whole crew was humming.  
Trip joined in on his harp  
Causing Malcolm to carp  
And T’Pol to pronounce the noise numbing.

161  
In “Star Trek According To Garp”  
Trip did weirdness with bright orange carp  
Pigs flew o’er the deck  
Fang-marks on T’Pol’s neck  
And Archer was picketed by TFARP.*  
_*TFARP: Trekkies For Another Reassignment of Porthos, a splinter animal-rights group  
_  
162  
The Antaran was madder than heck  
But Phlox kept his temper in check.  
Thus a breach healed by Phlox  
While the boys got off on rocks  
Filled another quite average Trek. 

163  
The tribble was out of the box  
Had it sense, it would run like a fox.  
But it didn’t have legs  
Lizard said, “could be eggs,  
But it tastes like coquilles St. Jacques.”  
164  
The tribble was out of the box.  
Had it sense, it would run like a fox.  
But it sat there and chirped  
Until Phlox’s plant burped  
Which shook Hoshi down to her socks!

165  
When nothing much needed interp’d  
Hoshi went to the mess hall and slurped  
When she got up for more  
Travis rushed through the door  
And she found that her seat was usurped.

166  
Malcolm and Trip were quite sore  
From sliding along the cave floor.  
Travis saving their bacon  
From a bloody mess makin’.  
The guy really should rock climb no more! 

167  
In sickbay our poor boys were achin’  
From falls that their backsides were breakin’  
Yet worse than the pain  
Was a lingering stain  
On their reps, ’cause Phlox thought they were fakin’.

168  
Trip and Archer were tied with a chain  
of paper clips (idle hands’ bane)  
“The RECEPTIONIST did it!”  
“And boy, did they fidget!  
...and by the way, my name’s Elaine. ” 

169  
Phlox in sickbay was minding his shiznit.  
Trav said “We make it? We take it.”  
The Denob rockhounds  
Annoyed Trip out of bounds  
And he threatened to shoot them where they sit! 

170  
The doctor did lose a few pounds  
By cutting out Snickers and Mounds  
Now he goes to the gym  
And more power to him  
We know it’s more hard than it sounds.

171  
I’m gonna go out on a limb  
And say Paramount said, “Get out or get slim!”  
Because the TV  
Adds ten pounds, you see,  
And our stars are required to be trim.

172  
Porthos went down to the planet to pee  
Which he did, on a sacred tree  
“Such shocking behaviour!  
There’s nothing can save yer!  
Must we put this sh*t on TV?”

173  
Our Chef just ain’t much of a baker.  
If it’s not pecan pie there’s no taker.  
Better stick with the fruit  
Or the beef roast en croute  
Or see what’s in the cocktail shaker.

174  
Mal loves to find things to shoot  
Trip squashes bugs with his boot  
Hoshi likes talking  
and Travis wall-walking _(climbing, geddit?)_  
While Archer and polo just suit. 

175  
The public at Trinneer were gawking  
And Tuckerite T-shirts were hawking  
His searching (ex.: Google)  
Must be awfully frugal  
For it’s web sites that have *us* all tawking!

176  
Mal loves to find things to shoot  
As a marksman of skill and repute.  
But blowing up rocks  
Doesn’t knock off his socks  
As much as does playing the flute.

177  
Trav’s so bored, he’s breeding pet rocks.  
Archer’s so bored, he’s sorting his socks.  
Trip says “Quitcher bitchin’!  
If for fights you’re itchin’,  
Just go down and pick one with Phlox! ” 

178  
Trip’s outfits need very strong stitchin’  
Because of his frequent up-hitchin’.  
They’re constantly ripped,  
Shredded, mangled, unzipped  
So often he ends up them ditchin’.

179  
“Ah was gettin to it! ” Tucker quipped.  
“You NEVER FIXED IT???? ” Archer flipped  
“Well, that explains why  
We’re all going to die —  
There’s a hole in the hull where the paint chipped.”

180  
Bergman films make Tucker cry  
’Cause he’s a softhearted guy.  
Just a sucker for sap  
(No “reality ” crap)  
But with quality films... my, oh my.

181  
Porthos jumped on T’Pol’s lap  
So his nose she gave a sharp rap  
But ’twas T’Pol’s nose  
Which smelled not a rose  
But Stilton, brie, cheddar, and drap.*  
_*A particularly noisome Andorian cheese, given to Porthos as a gift from Shran_

182  
The _Enterprise_ crew boldly goes  
And where they stop nobody knows.  
Start placing your bets  
on where they’ll go...sets  
get reused along with old foes!

183  
Reed laughed when Trip Tucker made threats  
to bet on the Yanks ’gainst the Mets  
So Trip grabbed him quite roughly  
Then things got a bit scuffly  
But when dust cleared they had no regrets! 

184  
Watching Reed eat cheese was lovely  
Let’s see him do it in the buff-ly  
And not whack his head  
over an alien instead  
But talk about armaments gruffly.

185  
Trip only went where his heart led  
He did not want poor “Charly ” dead.  
But with all good intention  
Well-meant intervention  
Made tragedy unfold instead. 

186  
“Angst! ” all the viewers demanded  
They couldn’t have had more, to be candid  
But now that they’ve seen it  
They think they don’t mean it  
And feel as though they’ve just been stranded.

187  
We give here an honourable mention  
To ENT’s writers for paying attention  
To what fans were asking  
Instead of just basking  
In eps with no Archer/Trip tension. 

188  
Jon’s face of rage was just masking  
His own sense of guilt which was blasting  
A hole in his heart  
Fueled at least in part  
By the look of despair Trip was casting. _::sob::_

189  
Is it time for them to start  
To pull Trip and Archer apart?  
To show their despair  
And boldly go where  
_(I am so not using the damn theme song line!)_  
They must choose between “right” and “what’s smart"? 

190  
evay’s gone but she didn’t say where  
So it’s up to us faithful who care  
To make our dame proud  
And keep this thread endowed  
With more wit than Trip’d ever dare.

191  
Tucker stood with his head bowed  
As into his friend Archer plowed  
But Jon’s got some gall!  
_He’s_ screwed up, after all.  
Who’s to say what cannot be allowed?

192  
Critics said it was not Tucker’s call  
To help out an alien in thrall.  
But our man held true  
For all the good it’ll do.  
Now he feels about 3 inches tall.

193  
Posters cried, “T’Pol needs a new ’do!”  
cuz the Moe wig isn’t working, its true.  
A Farah Fawcett flip?  
Might look better on Trip  
Oh man, A4T, I love you!

194  
If Trip kissed T’Pol on the lip  
T’would confirm a much discussed ’ship.  
The T/T-ers would shout,  
A/T-ers eat their hearts out,  
And Nobody/Nobody-ers flip! 

195  
Poor Malcolm had been through a drought  
Sexual relations for him — a big nout  
Shame there wasn’t on ENT  
holodeck time he could rent  
So the poor man had to go “without” 

196  
Reed “out of the closet” was sent  
When way over backwards he bent  
For Commander Charles Tucker,  
That badass mother**cker,  
And Mal said, “How well that repeatedly went!"... 

197  
Poor Malcolm had been through a drought  
Sexual relations for him — a big nout  
But his poor throat parched  
Was doused by one not so starched  
Although some about that did doubt.

198  
Trav Mayweather is such a sucker  
When it comes to helping his old mucker  
With English essays  
(’Cause his friend’s in a daze)  
And Trav always has had lots of plucker.

199  
Jon said, “Trip, you must change your ways,  
Long gone are your hell-raising days!  
Try to be more like me!”  
Trip choked, and said “Gee,  
you’ve just damned yourself with faint praise!”

200  
The Melders left Vulcan to be free  
And to go on a mind-melding spree  
They revelled in feeling  
Found that very appealing  
But other Vulcans couldn’t agree.

201  
The Borg ep is here! We’re all reeling  
(and hoping while praying and kneeling)  
“Continuity’s toast.”  
“Don’t give up the ghost!  
It could be a good ep they’re dealing!”

202  
Oh no! Phlox is a nanoprobe host!  
But a cure for Borgism soon he may boast.  
Ya know, I wouldn’t fret  
’Cause they’ll hit the reset  
Button after a season, at most.

203  
Mal vs. the Borg? Sure I’ll bet  
On our Armory Officer’s threat.  
There’s no one to beat him  
And situations grim  
He laughs off with “No worries, pet!”

204  
That Borg in the ice, recall him?  
What became of his dismembered limb?  
A weapon perhaps?  
Node for GPS maps?  
Did he spend too much time in the gym?

205  
The ENT crew plays blackjack and craps  
While sipping some bourbon and schnapps  
But when Mal loads the dice  
Poor Hoshi pays the price  
While Archer gets so mad he snaps.

206  
T’Pol always gives good advice —  
“Commander, please check your work twice.”  
But when ENT’s without power  
Trip needs but an hour  
To get the place fixed in a trice.

207  
If Mal were to give Trip a flower...  
Miss Thang would no longer look dour.  
But Hoshi would scream  
At the end of her dream  
And Archer would certainly glower! 

208  
Trip and Mal shared an ice cream  
While rowing a boat on a stream.  
But their craft sprung a leak-  
Opined Malcolm, “Eeeeeeeeek!”  
What Trip plugged it with made Mal *gleam*. 

209  
When Trip got the yearnin’ to streak  
Past Archer and Porthos last week  
He stripped to the skin,  
Oh boy, he looked trim!  
But on ENT, that’s not really unique!

210  
Malcolm Reed is quite proper and prim  
His appearance can seem rather grim;  
But Trip knows him better  
Reed obeys to the letter  
Lest it involves taking a swim. 

211  
Trip knitted Porthos a sweater  
He looks smart, a canine go-getter  
Now Archer feels slighted  
’Cause he wasn’t invited  
To meet Porthos’ new friend the setter.

212  
Will Reed ever be reunited  
With that Vissian whom he invited  
To sample his wares?  
Just to check the cross-hairs  
Of his phase pistol made her excited! 

213  
Tharpdevenport wanted to join you guys,  
Write funy stuff for your eyes,  
But really isn’t a fan of the show,  
So his limericks would have told,  
And opted out after seeing 44 page replies. 

214  
Hoshi caught Trav unaware  
That his friend was standing right there.  
He gave such a start  
and clutched at his heart  
she thought she’d killed him with a scare!

215  
T’Pol studied the Vulcan star chart  
searching for faith of the heart  
But all she could find  
Was what she’d left behind  
Seems her soul was more “science” than “art.” 

216  
Malcolm and Trip were entwined  
And neither of them seemed to mind  
Trip thought about winning  
But his head was spinning ...  
And “right foot-blue” left him quite blind.

217  
After all that, Mal was grinning.  
Said Trip, “This is just the beginning.  
I jus’ know you’ll love it —  
You’ll be glad we’ve done it.”  
As he talked his friend into sinning.

218  
Mal told Tucker where he could shove it  
(Just a little more left and above it).  
Complained Trip, “I can’t reach!”  
Phlox said, “I’ve a leech  
Which should do the trick — I’m so proud of it!”

219  
Hoshi sunbathed on a beach  
For medical reasons a leech  
Was stuck to her leg  
Like a runny fried egg  
When she noticed, she let out a screech!

220  
Trip said, “Please don’t make me beg:  
I won’t kiss that Bundy named Peg!  
I’d rather pick Reed  
(He’s cuter indeed)  
Or Jon, Amy, Beth, Jo, or Meg!”

221  
The _Enterprise_ crew love to feed  
Porthos treats which Jon had agreed  
To share with his sweetie  
As part of the treaty  
Which spared our poor Tucker and Reed

222  
Archer wondered who sprayed graffiti  
All over his plate of fresh ziti  
When he left his dinner,  
Trip scolded, “You’re thinner!  
Now park your ass back on your seaty!”

223  
So Archer then ordered “The Spinner”  
(Toast and fresh eggs — that’s a winner)  
It came dyed blue  
Jon again said adieu  
As he tried to placate his inner.

224  
“I don’t want to do this to you,  
But we’ve made First Contact with Schmoo.  
Their feelings are tender  
And chances are slender  
That they liked the film Loupe-Garou*!”  
_*French for “werewolf"_

225  
T’Pol asked, “Why do those of your gender  
So often find they’re called ‘big spender’?  
Trip shrugged. “I’m not cheap,  
And my rates can be steep,  
But you, dear, wouldna been a contender.”

226  
Jon sighed as he drifted to sleep  
Counting engineers rather than sheep.  
But when “Rostov!” slipped out  
Trip turned o’er with a shout  
Saying, “Wake up, you two-timin’ creep!” 

227  
wychwood found herself ’twixt Mal and Trip  
A4T gave advice: “Get a grip!”  
She fainted with shock  
When she woke up, the clock  
Indicated she’d just dreamt her ’ship.

228  
NX-Alpha got out of drydock  
While Trip wished for Ruby’s white frock.  
A.G. and Jon soared  
While the Vulcans deplored,  
Saying Henry’s engine was a crock.

229  
While the crowd watched A.G. and Jon warred  
(And Trip saved the beer from the horde)  
Ruby yelled, “Stop it now!”  
So Trip showed them how  
This fighting they could ill afford.

230  
The Commodore had a big cow:  
“A.G.! Archer! You’ll get it! And how!!”  
But Trip taught them to scoff  
So they just laughed it off  
And wiped sweat from the collective brow.

231  
“Doctor, your clothes you must doff.”  
“Please don’t touch me! You’re ill!” _::cough cough cough::_  
Reed played the gentleman.  
Said T’Pol, “You’re no fun!”  
(C’mon, did you think they would boff?)

232  
So it turns out Trip’s a beer man.  
Maybe Malcolm’s a mead or an ale fan.  
Archer’s favorite is “whine.”  
T’Pol thinks tea’s fine.  
Travis drinks “Red Bull” straight from the can! 

233  
Skalaar said to Archer, “You’re mine!”  
Archer said, “You won’t get me, you swine!  
I escaped Klingon jail  
When T’Pol refused bail  
But I love the nose job — it’s divine!”

234  
Trip tried hard to find Archer’s trail  
But a decoy made Jon hard to tail.  
He did better with Reed  
Who spurned T’Pol’s need  
In favor of Klingons to nail.

235  
“Take me, Cap’n!” Tucker did plead.  
As his eyes glowed with plain open greed.  
“Take you where?” Archer blinked.  
“I don’t care,” Trip then winked.  
“Then how ’bout some golf?” So they teed. 

236  
Tucker and Archer were linked  
on the greensward where their balls were ker-plinked  
by their hatred of their three-woods.  
Trip said, “This won’t do any good!”  
So they just strolled to the nineteenth for a drink!

237  
Trip walked to decon with a plate  
for there his T’Pol did await  
but to his dismay  
Phlox took her away  
To cure her premature urge to mate.

238  
a rumor ’bout archer/tpol  
has everyone startin t’ brawl  
there’s been much debate  
for now we must wait  
and hope that the series don’t fall 

239  
Archer got tricked by a pig  
Whom he thought was an alien big-wig.  
Archer gave him a tour  
Unaware that the boar  
Only wanted him for his new brig.

240  
Feeling all ouchy and sore  
T’Pol slowly stood from the floor  
“Doctor Phlox, should I be  
Embarrassed to see  
Lieutenant Reed any more?”

241  
Porthos offended the tree  
When his dad allowed him to run free.  
Archer had to make amends  
winning himself some new friends  
All because his mutt had to pee!

242  
Malcolm followed the latest of trends  
As he tried to ’ship all his friends.  
But to his dismay  
It just wasn’t his day  
As “Phlox/Porthos” he did not intend! 

243  
Malcolm and Trip had a way  
That was so illogical that T’pol would say  
“Come and get me boys  
You’re much better than toys”  
But Starfleet rules all say “ix-nay.”

244  
One thousand thread posts! Hooray!  
This discovery just made my day.  
The ENT limericks last  
And we’re having a blast  
We’ll be around longer than Shatner’s toupée.

245  
It seems like Bakula’s been miscast  
As a lumberjack who has to think fast  
Had to show his knowledge of chainsaws  
Because his friend with four paws  
Peed on the tree on a planet he should have by-passed. 

246  
Now’s the time to reflect and to pause  
’pon the holy Starfleet-style blue drawers  
See their fashion and fit  
on the place where folks sit  
They’re so tight they reveal all Trip’s flaws! 

247  
In order to appease the Brit  
Who had worked himself into a snit  
Trip brought him a gun.  
Now the damage is done  
But ’twas worth it, Trip had to admit!

248  
T’Pol’s old friend was on the run  
Dressed as a Tellarite nun.  
But his cover was blown  
And embarrassment shown  
When his hair fell out of his bun.

249  
“Not again!” said Trip with a groan.  
“Yes, again,” was Malcolm’s sad moan.  
“The captain wants leeks  
Rubbed all over his cheeks  
But leave his bollocks alone!”

250  
We’ll be without new ENT for weeks  
And doing without really reeks!  
But we’ll still have this board  
In case we get bored  
’Cause we’re such devoted Trek geeks.

251  
Now it’s time for us English to lord  
It over the rest of the horde  
While they do without  
Our season’s within shout  
And home viewers all do applaud

252  
Poor Archer was hit by a bout  
of shingles, arthritis, and gout.  
Trip hauled out the Ben-gay  
And soothed all the pain away.  
Now his magic cure Jon does tout.  
253  
Poor Archer is hit by a bout  
Of weltschmerz, ennui, and self-doubt  
Though his psyche was shaking  
Trip’s comfort was making  
Jon a neurotic (devout).

254  
Hoshi, on suddenly waking,  
Saw Travis a martini shaking  
She recalled with dismay  
That he’d led her astray  
Dressed as Bond, she found him breathtaking

255  
“Darn Mayweather!” she cursed, “You hold sway  
over me in that tux from Target!”  
“Shall we try picture-taking?  
Or I’ll leave if you’re aching.”  
Just one breathless word escaped: “S t a y.” 

256  
Trip and Mal were the first ones in, staking  
Über-vamps in their boots were a-quaking  
Buffy took out T’Pol  
“Whoops! My bad! But y’all,  
I thought she was the undead, not just faking.” 

257  
Archer4Trip gave a call  
As the Limerick Monster did fall  
Upon him with intent  
His soul forth to rent  
For crossovers that did appall.

258  
Archer and Reed soon repent  
about all the wasted time spent  
Thinking up wicked schemes  
’Bout the Vulcan of their dreams  
’Cause her cold blood will fold up the tent.

259  
B-deck wakes to the echo of screams  
Both Archer’s AND Trip’s, so it seems  
But why were they yelling???  
Was there something compelling  
That ripped them, full cry, from their dreams???  
_TO BE CONTINUED  
(it’s a cliffhanger!)_

260  
The reason, no one is telling;  
But Malcolm, while all panic quelling,  
Puts out the fire  
Begun by Jon’s blow dryer  
And rumours of hair rugs dispelling. 

261  
Starfleet is going to hire  
Some “muscle” folks who don’t perspire  
At thoughts of guns blazing  
Who can do deeds amazing  
And loads of slash fiction inspire! 

262  
Trip’s not much for navel-gazing,  
Prefering to spend time Hell-raising  
But when it’s his _sister_  
That’s when he get’s pissed, sir  
and heads off for some Xindi-razing.

263  
“I said you’re out of line, mister!  
You verdant-skinned pustulant blister!”  
Silik purred, “Come now, Jon,  
just let me turn you on.”  
Then Jon stopped playing the resistor. 

264  
Into the expanse Ent has gone  
Is the “Expanse” set-up one big CON?  
Only Porthos knows  
So he comes to blows  
With fans who just can’t get along.

265  
To stay with the ship T’Pol chose  
And follow where Jon boldly goes  
But we know the truth  
Jon’s callipygian, forsooth,  
So she’ll follow behind if he’ll pose/And Trip has a helluva...nose.

266  
Trip said, “When I was but a youth  
I’d threaten to break off the tooth  
Of the boys in the class  
of the Tuckers’ wee lass  
If they didn’t show charm, tact, and couth!”

267  
We Tuckerites much praise the mass  
of scripts featuring our boy’s...sass  
We don’t want that smut  
Or to fall in the rut  
Of just looking at his mighty fine ass.

268  
Malcolm feels it in his gut  
There’s no way to ignore T’Pol’s butt  
He then hatched a plan  
To show her he was Man  
And was not just all talking and strut. 

269  
Chef was working on his tan  
While frying catfish in the pan  
Trip helped out, au naturel  
Having bid his clothes farewell  
Till spitting oil burnt him on the can.

270  
“Oh no! Burned myself! Dammit! Hell!  
I did it again and I did it well!  
Cook with vision and zest  
But don’t do it undressed.”  
Cried Trip as he watched the burns swell

271  
“Cooking naked again?” Dr. Phlox guessed  
“You really should give the guys a rest.  
Though this may sound rude,  
Frying chicken in the nude  
Is no way to handle a breast!”

272  
“I suppose you might call me a prude,  
But don’t you think it’s a bit lewd  
To stand there in Chef’s space  
Just a smile on your face  
While you’re lording it over our food?”

273  
“But, Doctor, it’s really not base  
Memories of events to erase  
Imagine the fun  
After you’re done  
Of not leaving so much as a trace!”

274  
Hoshi knew this was the one  
The button that sets it on stun.  
So she took careful aim  
But now has the blame  
for shooting T’Pol just for fun.

275  
Now Archer’s XO is made lame  
Though she swore it was just a game  
Hoshi quietly cackled with glee  
Because it was really her plan you see  
To become _Enterprise_ ’s top dame.

276  
Of all ’ships on the Tuckerite sea  
Relationships are the most difficult to be  
He cares about all  
Which causes him to fall  
Madly in love with everyone — even “he.”

277  
On the bridge there was a brawl  
Which caused Trip and Mal’s big fall.  
Trip landed on top  
and heard a loud *pop*  
Coming from him on whom he did sprawl.

278  
Mal gasped, “Commander, please stop —  
My heart rate is starting to drop!  
I’m feeling quite faint”  
“Ah, hush yer complaint!  
Though it’s too bad that we broke the prop!” 

279  
Trip continued, “I know I’m no saint.  
Though my manners can be rather quaint  
I’m here to bust some heads  
And sunder marriage beds _{{well, such as they are}}_  
But a cardiac crusher I ain’t!”

280  
At that point, Mal needed some meds  
For his nerves were hanging in shreds  
Trip called him a “sissy”  
Which made Mal quite pissy  
So he socked Trip in both of his heads.

281  
Trip said “Sorry that I was so dissy.”  
Mal apologized for his fit hissy.  
Will they kiss and make up?  
and on caviar sup?  
(skip the food, wych wants to see kissy!)

282  
So the next time things start to heat up  
Trip will offer Mal kindness’ cup.  
’cause Southern boys are sweet  
And as Trip’s _special_ treat...  
He’ll also offer Mal a quick _shtupp_.

283  
Trip cares so much for Archer’s seat  
He can’t bear a wrinkle or a pleat  
To mar Jon’s Levis  
And distress his fond eyes  
Though he keeps his pants pressing discreet.

284  
If Archer’s one of the “older guys”  
That’s not to say he’s not a prize  
He’s still fit and trim  
Guys all over him  
And girls looking on with their eyes 

285  
The losses in “Expanse” were grim  
In come the Marines from the gym  
If they’d wear some red shirts  
We’d laugh at their hurts  
And hope for this line: “He’s dead, Jim.”

286  
Trip laid out a swath of desserts  
With which he Jon’s willpow’r subverts.  
“Come on, Cap’n, just a taste...”  
“They go straight to my waist —  
Spare poundage my fine form perverts!”

287  
Malcolm said, “My worst fears I have faced  
When I saw Trip becoming encased  
in tons of white snot  
With a captain who’s hot.  
Seems my flirting may have been a waste.”

288  
In the galley Chef’s stirring the pot  
sweating gallons because it is hot.  
Heat drives him insane,  
it is frying his brain.  
But that isn’t saying a lot!

289  
In the armory Reed’s raising Cain,  
Archer thinks the ship’s engine can be started with a chain,  
“I just do weapons”  
To Archer he mentions,  
“In case there are aliens that need slayin’!”

290  
Captain asked, “What’s for lunch? Are there buns?”  
“That depends on how you like your puns,”  
quipped the Chief Engineer.  
“With relish,” my dear.  
“I can’t get enough! Give me tons!”

291  
“How ’bout a bagel with schmear?”  
“Pass the cream cheese and lox over here.”  
Mal asked for a scone  
But then sat alone  
As Archer at Tucker did leer...

292  
“I’m desserted again!": Malcolm’s moan.  
“They’re _breakfasting_.": Hoshi’s groan.  
“You don’t like word play?  
You’re a linguist! I say,  
What happened to your funny bone?” 

293  
Then Travis approached with his tray  
But the poor boy then tripped on the way.  
His leg he did break  
When he fell on his cake  
But he still didn’t get a thing to say.

294  
Excuse me, but I must digress  
Wychwood finished her exams and yes,  
They were a great trial  
But she won by a mile  
To praise for her resounding success.

295  
Poor Tuckerite hearts they did ache  
For the late Lizzie Tucker’s dear sake  
Trip’s angst did uncover  
His protectiveness of’er  
Reminding of Sisko and Jake. 

296  
The crew couldn’t guess Tucker’s lover  
by the shape that was under the cover  
Could be Archer or Reed  
or T’Pol, all agreed.  
“Can’t recall...drank too much...bad hangover.” 

297  
The swelling’s begun to recede  
Though a mark is all but guaranteed  
A passionate hickey  
Can only be tricky  
If it’s seen on, not Archer, but Reed. 

298  
Black undershirts look like a dickie  
under uniforms sweaty and sticky.  
But where buttons abound  
The shirt’s often found  
To interfere with a nice quickie. 

299  
Malcolm heard a suspicious sound —  
A phase pistol hitting the ground?  
’Round the corner he rushed  
And nearly got crushed  
As T’Pol quickly turned around. 

300  
“Subcommander, I’m sorry!” Mal blushed.  
“Do not speak so loudly!” T’Pol hushed  
“The Captain is sleeping  
So by I was creeping — ”  
“Just like Father Christmas!” he gushed. 

301  
While Mal’s English Breakfast was steeping  
he was filling a bowl full to heaping  
of maple oatmeal.  
Then he heard a loud squeal  
and looked up to see Quantum leaping.

302  
Archer looked like he’d swallowed an eel  
As he wriggled and barked like a seal.  
“When you beg you’re so cute!  
Now, on your horn toot  
and maybe this curse I’ll repeal!”

303  
Trip’s disco dance ball was a hoot.  
Archer wore his dad’s zoot suit.  
T’Pol looked appalled  
But Mal was enthralled  
With Trip’s _Saturday Night Fever_ salute.

304  
The lack of explosions Mal galled  
so he sat in his quarters and bawled  
’Til Trip gave him a toy.  
Malcolm cried out, “Oh, boy!  
Let’s see who I can shave bald!” 

305  
“Oh no,” Trip cried, “don’t destroy  
My mohawk ’do — my pride and joy!  
It takes gallons of gel  
And my stylist Miguel  
And it makes me one hot boy toy!”

306  
Then Travis his fears tried to quell.  
Quoth razor-armed Mal: “Say farewell  
To that trim style so staid —  
We’re goin’ high top fade!”  
Said Trip “No you don’t, what the hell?!”

307  
A few trial swipes Malcolm made  
through the air with his wicked sharp blade  
He started to cackle  
Until a swift tackle  
pinned him to the floor, where he stayed.

308  
“Get off me, you insolent jackal!  
Or in our brig I shall you shackle!”  
“Don’t threaten me, twit!  
You’re a maniacal Brit!”  
Mal’s fist then made Rostov’s teeth crackle.

309  
“Mr. Tucker, you’d better submit!”  
“Are you macking on me, you dumb git?”  
“About time you saw!”  
Trip picked up his jaw  
when Mal proved his “kit” was legit.

310  
“Well, Mal, there’s just one little flaw.  
Though I’m flattered, I beg you withdraw  
(Until Cap’n leaves)  
Since one of his peeves  
is when we flirt — it sticks in his craw!”

311  
So Malcolm let go of Trip’s sleeves,  
Saying, “Jealousy really aggrieves  
our vessel’s fine skipper,  
so we’ll just look chipper  
Lest we give Captain Archer the heaves.” 

312  
“Still...” said Malcolm, unzipping his zipper,  
I must show you my ‘Little Dipper’.”  
He pulled from his pocket  
An exquisite antique locket  
And the likeness of his favorite stripper.

313  
Trip’s eyes almost fell from their sockets.  
“I don’t s’pose you’d want to hock it?”  
Said Reed, “No! He’s mine!  
Don’t you dare cross the line!  
His furniture’s so grand none will mock it.” 

314  
“The locket, not the man, you swine!  
The workmanship’s delicate and fine.”  
Archer finally got bored  
and left with his hoard  
Which made Malcolm’s eyes start to shine

315  
Mal gazed on the man he adored  
His chance at Tucker restored.  
“My dear friend, shall we go  
Someplace private? You know,  
I promise that you won’t be bored.”

316  
_[MUST... REDIRECT...FROM...T*M...]_  
With a smile and his face all aglow  
Mal prepped himself for a good show  
With thick soundproof walls  
No one heard his loud bawls  
As Trip confessed, “Archer’s my beau!” 

317  
With a raging howl that shakes the walls  
And echoes through the young ship’s halls  
Malcolm screams in frustration —  
Drowns his pain in libation.  
While Trip his Cap’n each night enthralls...

318  
I’d sing and dance in exultation  
for the boys to read our dissertation.  
I never thought they’d see  
work by li’l old me!  
So go improve our reputation.

319  
Poor Malcolm’s afraid of the sea  
Although brave he appears to be.  
It makes his knees shake  
And his head start to ache  
From his fear he cannot be free 

320  
Silik screamed “It’s an earthquake!”  
Shran shrugged. “You want birthday cake?”  
Archer soothed, “Fellas, please  
Get up from your knees!”  
As Soval shouted,"For logic’s sake!”

321  
Duras then started to wheeze  
Travis began climbing trees  
Said Reed, “That’s not cricket!”  
Trip demurred: “That’s the ticket!”  
And Archer sang “Autumn Leaves.”

322  
To him, Trip said, “Go and lick it.  
And then we’ll find some place to stick it.”  
So Mal pulled out a frog  
A log, hog and a dog  
And rabbit he found in a thicket. 

323  
T’Pol sent a letter back home  
But Trip snuck a peek at her tome.  
His face sure got red  
When he saw all she said  
About his habit of chewing on foam. 

324  
Hoshi hit Archer upside the head  
Saying “Exit yourself from my bed!”  
“I’m so sorry, my dear,  
I shouldn’t be here.  
But with Trip away, you’re up instead!”

325  
_“Ciao tutti”_ said A4T clear  
I’m off to Italia, ya hear?  
I’ll bring a picture of Trip  
As my bargaining chip  
For discounts at sites far and near. 

326  
Hoshi hit Archer upside the head  
Saying “Exit yourself from my bed!  
You’re a blanket hog  
And I don’t like your sprog  
So sleep with your beagle instead!”

327  
Archer staggered away in a fog,  
Accidentally tripped on his dog.  
Porthos bared his fang  
Cutler gasped “Dang!  
That’s scary! Now I need some grog!”

328  
Hoshi felt scarcely a pang  
T’Pol’s father spat, “T’Dang!*  
There she goes again!  
Chasing tall Terran men!”  
Next she’ll join that ‘emotional’ gang!”  
_*A little-known Vulcan swear word for “That damn kid!"_

329  
They were playing hide-and-seek when  
Trip hid while Mal counted to ten.  
But Trip’s... knee was showing...  
“Showing"? T’was darned near “glowing"!  
When he saw it, Mal shouted, “Big Ben!”

330  
Trip continued with the to-and-fro-ing  
by pointing out where Mal was stowing  
His pistol. “So nyah!”  
Archer frowned. “Boys, don’t _gaaaah_!  
Down my shorts Phlox’s tribble is going!”

331  
“Oh, no! It’s making me itch! Ah!”  
“My plan went off without a hitch! Hah!”  
Grinned Doc Evil! Phlox  
As he closed up his box  
And poured Boston tea from a pitch-ah.

332  
Trip bent over to put on his socks  
But the view from behind gave Mal shocks.  
“Care to share?” Malcolm purred.  
“Take your choice,” Tucker lured.  
“I can’t choose ’twixt such wonderful hocks!”

333  
With cream cheese all over chest furred  
Trip one more serving demurred  
“So try _this_!” said Archer  
“Chef is warm! You’re all ‘brrrr!’ ”  
whined Trip as he sniffed lemon curd. 

334  
Squicked out, Archer made his departure.  
Trip: “Don’t take offense by my remark, Sir!”  
Chef shrugged. “More for us.”  
His look did Trip nonplus  
As he sent out a vibe of hunger pure.

335  
Over muscatel they did discuss  
Phlox’s toe, all infected with pus.  
Trav’s strange lack of speech  
And the pulsing space leech  
Made eating just not worth the fuss.

336  
“Now,” said Reed, “I don’t want to preach,  
But you’re wasting that soft fragrant peach.  
So be careful. The juice  
Has a _much_ better use,  
Such as sealing your warp core breach!”

337  
“Lieutenant, please don’t be obtuse —  
I know that you want my caboose  
and the cargo, the engine;  
So let’s see some action  
’Cause my head of steam’s ’bout to break loose!”

338  
Reed decided to act on attraction  
Since Tucker proved such a distraction  
He shyly drew near  
whispering in his friend’s ear,  
“You know, I just need satisfaction...”

339  
Archer and Trip love to flirt  
When they’re sweaty and covered in dirt.  
A wee bit of grime  
Makes the boys look just prime  
Just right to eat for dessert 

340  
Travis was covered in slime  
’Cause his move was not nearly in time.  
He’d suggested a date  
Not expecting an irate  
Female who could throw on a dime.

341  
“You’ve got some nerve, coming here late!”  
snarled Trav’s anal-retentive gal Kate.  
“I brought a present for you —  
Talaxian brew —  
but you don’t deserve it, ingrate!”

342  
Poor Travis was in such a stew  
He didn’t know what next to do.  
Work the abs or the thighs?  
They both provoke sighs  
When he’s dressed in underwear blue.

343  
Travis barfed, making Phlox realize  
His cure he would have to revise.  
Making Trav eat those bugs  
And the bat blood in jugs  
Compounds the excess of pecan pies.

344  
So Phlox then gave Travis some new drugs  
And a pat on the back and a few hugs.  
“You’ll be just fine.”  
“Can you spare any lines?  
I speak less than Hoshi’s pet slug.”

345  
“Nonsense! You just need a spine!”  
The captain said, “You can use mine.  
I don’t need it much —  
just for limbo and such —  
Since on the bridge I tend to whine.”

346  
“Well then, Captain, how ’bout we go dutch?  
I’ll only us it as a crutch  
When I want to say more  
Than ‘Aye Sir, warp four!’  
And steer Ent away in the clutch!”

347  
“Don’t do it, sir! Trav’s a real bore!”  
Hoshi muttered. “He makes my ears sore.”  
“Hey! That’s unfair!”  
“Oh — I didn’t see you there.  
Why are you crouched on the floor?” 

348  
“I sit here while I eat a pear  
Making sure that my console is square.  
For in the past I have found  
That to have thoughts profound  
It helps to have slightly less air.” 

349  
“This is why you make no sound —  
You babble instead of expound!”  
“But you can hear _him_!”  
“He’s got four pips, there, Slim,”  
snarked Trip. Travis sat there and frowned.

350  
A bubbly young crewman named Tim  
was working with Trav in the gym.  
About Hoshi he was curious  
But soon became furious  
When she whomped his butt at a TacSim.*  
_*Tactial Simulation_

351  
A viewer said Trav’s muscles were spurious  
But Anthony found this injurious.  
“Since I don’t get enough  
lines, I’d better be buff —  
There’s no lovelier cast than we/us!”

352  
Porthos lives aboard a ship that’s spacious  
(It doesn’t echo, ’cause he’s not loquacious).  
With him the crew would be well pleased  
If he didn’t eat all the cheese  
For when it comes to Swiss, he’s voracious!

353  
The dog’s job on the crew is not “ruff”  
Although lack of parkland is tough.  
When he needs to cavort  
He joins Jon in the sport  
Known as TaeBo. That’s why they’re so buff.

354  
Archer may call his dog “Port”  
(instead of “Porthos") for short.  
But the fond appellation  
Joined with cheese deprivation  
Do canine good feelings abort. 

355  
Much to Porthos’ frustration  
Archer kept mentioning castration.  
“Plans to get me ‘fixed’  
Will soon by me be nixed,”  
As Porthos threatened a laceration. 

356  
Much to Porthos’s frustration  
Archer’s quarters had closed ventilation.  
So anything stinky  
No matter how dinky  
Made Jon long for some pooch constipation.

357  
Hoshi wore her childhood binky  
like a great ring upon her left pinky  
The colour was mixed  
(solids Hana* deep-sixed)  
And how she nursed it was just kinky.  
_*Hana: Japanese for “rosebud;” the nickname her mother called her as an infant_

358  
Malcolm’s chest smelled quite “Vicks"ed  
After rough basketball left him “Knicks"ed  
He’d been elbowed and gored  
and his guarding ignored  
Until he felt he’d been Hans Blixed.

359  
Malcolm and Hoshi were floored  
When they both saw the man they adored:  
Leonardo da Vinci!  
“Oh, I say!” “He’s just ginchy!  
But what is he doing on board?”

360  
T’Pol was feeling quite pinchy  
since her catsuit was quite tight and cinchy  
It made her bust burst  
out of it, but the worst  
was that up her butt it was inchy.

361  
Seems like she’d always been cursed  
With an unquenchable thirst.  
Hourly trips to the head  
Kept her up out of bed  
Lest her teddy bear wind up immersed. 

362  
T’Pol said, “You sleep like the dead.”  
“Would you rather I left?” Archer said.  
“From what I see  
I must leave by three  
’Cause that’s when Reed’s due in MY bed!”

363  
“...a grenade or just happy to see me?”  
“You can find out — just a small fee.  
It’ll pay for your rating  
in Ordnance, stating  
you’ve got skill to handle Class B.”

364  
While Mal was lying there waiting  
atremble, with breath he was bating,  
Ajar swung the door  
Entered: the one he’d adore  
All ready to initiate mating 

365  
Just then Malcolm let out a roar,  
Crying, “Didn’t I tell you before?  
Tonight it’s ‘Nelson and the Middie,’  
Not ‘Nixon and Liddy’!  
Or no ‘Rodolfo and Contessa’ any more!”

366  
Malcolm was feeling quite giddy;  
Tucker’s heart, it went “patty-piddy.”  
They drank wine together  
From a flagon of leather  
And loudly sang “Doo-Wah-Diddy-Diddy.”

367  
Then Trip tickled Mal with a feather  
As he pondered the question of whether  
The words “Dum diddy doo”  
Could mean “I love you”  
In a language from the land of heather. 

368  
Starfleet’s uniforms used to be blue  
In Kirk’s time they’re of all different hue  
And tear so much better  
When dry or when wetter  
On ENT, there’s no thong peekaboo.

369  
Porthos fell for an Irish setter  
Even though he had only just met her.  
She had quite the tail  
And a taste for pale ale  
And a fondness for pups who like cheddar. 

370  
Technically, Porthos was male,  
though he’d been “fixed” young (a sad tale)  
But with a new gland from Phlox  
He’s full of vim, vigor, and mox*!  
But his Setter found an Airedale.  
* _as in “moxie"_

371  
Reed’s alert knocks off everyone’s socks  
Like obstreperous cats in a box  
“Shut off that damn noise!”  
Just watch Trip lose his poise  
As he wishes on Mal’s house a pox.

372  
“But, Commander, I do love my toys  
Almost as much as I love boys.  
Those I like older  
But these I like bolder  
The better to make a loud noise.” 

373  
“That alert sound makes my eardrums molder!  
I don’t like to give the cold shoulder  
But can’t you tone it down?”  
Said Trip with a frown  
As Mal gave a pulchritudinous smoulder.

374  
The Disaster Twins, out on the town,  
Osculate, the verb, but who’s the noun?  
Is it a she or a he  
Has it one head or three  
Does it matter? They both seem down.

375  
Said Trip, “I just want to be free  
To spend my time — just thee and me.”  
With an unaccustomed blush  
And a pinch on the tush,  
Chutzpah won over hesitancy.

376  
He was trying hard not to gush  
But on his face, a telltale flush.  
He’d just met his god  
Yanked the apron from his bod  
And of the potatoes made mush.

377  
“I can’t believe I just got scrod!  
On the menu it clearly said ‘cod’!”  
“Don’t fret, my sweet muffin —  
I’d much prefer stuffin’  
You with my own specialty, thawed.”

378  
“And just so you know I’m not bluffin’  
Here’s something to set you off puffin’  
Check under my codpiece —  
What’s that? You’re the chef’s _niece_?!  
Well, I have to say that cools the oven!”

379  
“That’s no reason for you to cease.  
Pie’s on the menu. Have a piece!  
And after dessert  
You can look up my skirt  
To what’s found I give you full lease!” 

380  
“While on the bridge, I like to flirt  
Though I dare try nothing too overt.  
T’Pol can feel my eyes  
Should they gaze upon her thighs  
And heav’n help me if I stare at her shirt!”

381  
Much to Liz Cutler’s surprise  
She was intrigued by Rostov’s “lies.”  
His incondite ode  
Writ in binary code  
Was really a limerick, disguised. 

382  
“So you think you’re a poet,” Liz crowed.  
“Prithee, speak in Shakespearean mode;  
it doth make my heart flutter  
And melt as does butter — ”  
“Pardon, I must needs use the commode!”

383  
As she exited, Rostov did mutter:  
“Must get my mind out of the gutter.  
She is pretty high class  
And a beautiful lass.  
I’m not worthy to be her butler!”

384  
After the polo game, Jon had no sass:  
“I can’t believe I just lost to a bass!  
My partner was cod-less  
With a well filled-out bodice  
And a mallet I did love to harass.” 

385  
Thought by some to be rather godless  
But never accused of being bod-less,  
Hoshi takes home top prize  
With her sakura thighs,  
And her maidenly virtue stays spotless.

386  
At her crewmen she likes to make eyes  
And translations she tries to devise  
They might start to laugh  
When she makes a gaffe  
But then they get past their surprise. 

387  
Forrest likes briefing his staff  
Warns he, “Avoid galactic riff raff!  
If they find out our plans,  
We’ll be also-rans,  
And we need no more proof that we’re naf!”

388  
Our favorite boys posted their banns  
And invited both of their clans.  
The party was loud,  
Their posturing proud,  
The desserts all featured pecans.

389  
The girls stood sad, with heads bowed,  
Lamenting they weren’t so endowed  
But never fear  
for they were all queer  
And never again to be cowled.

390  
Our good Phlox never fails to endear  
People see he is no one to fear.  
Though his smile gives the creeps  
His pets emit peeps  
And his hiccups are fright’ning to hear.

391  
Said Jon, “My pie’s better by leaps.  
It’s garnered blue ribbons in heaps.  
Whether apple, blueberry,  
Or full of neat sherry  
It’s so tasty that even Chef weeps!”

392  
Chef and Jon were making merry  
Like young boys from Bristol and Derry  
They had a good larf  
When Trip took a barf  
as he fell off the side of the ferry. 

393  
Chef said,"Though you’re starved, please don’t scarf  
down all my cheese, Pinky!” “Narf!  
But Brain, I likes cheese!”  
“It’s _Chef_ , not Brain, please!  
And you’d better watch out for my sparth!” 

394  
“So, Pinky, get down on your knees!”  
(such activity never fails to appease)  
“Don’t make me beg  
Get out your third leg  
And we’ll take it from there by degrees.” 

395  
Space Marines are all fond of a keg  
And often drain it, down to the last dreg  
When Reed takes offense  
They tell him he’s dense  
And to stop quoting every last reg.

396  
Angry, Reed shouted, “Get thee hence!”  
At three Marines, all immense.  
They belched, laughed, and said,  
“You think we are ill-bred?  
Well, perhaps you’ve a _little_ of sense!” 

397  
Malcolm groaned. “Oh, my aching head!  
I’m about halfway to my deathbed!  
That whisky was strong  
and that stupid _song_ —  
‘Faith of the Heart’ should be _dead_!” 

398  
Just then Trip turned up in a thong  
“Why Malcie, whatever is wrong?”  
Malcie groaned, turning green  
Promptly puked up his spleen  
Said Tucker, “Is that egg foo yong...”

399  
Reed said “How could you be mean  
Examining vomit, it’s just not my scene  
Such a practice is dire  
Certainly doesn’t inspire  
Christ Trip, find me caffeine.” 

400  
“Lieutenant, do you not admire  
My tasteful and stylish attire?”  
“I think you’re a dish  
If a little too swish  
But still you quench my desire.” 

401  
“But to please you is my only wish  
See, I’ve brought a knish*!  
So how ’bout a snack?  
To fill that wee crack  
And keep that upper lip stiffish.”  
_*a Jewish potato dumpling snackie_

402  
Said Reed, “Will you please turn your back  
While I deposit my lunch in this sack?  
I prefer to brown-bag  
So no one can tag  
my watercress roll as ‘For Zack.’ ”

403  
“But my appetite’s begun to flag  
and my eyelids are starting to sag  
So, dear friend, pray  
Keep Porthos away—  
Thoughts of dog hair in cheese make me gag!”

404  
“My thoughts are beginning to stray...”  
Our dear Trip had just started to say  
When Reed interrupted  
With more food erupted  
Said Trip “that’s the third time today.” 

405  
Since all thoughts of lunch were disrupted  
By Stilton and Brie so corrupted,  
Forget about lunch  
And go with this hunch  
Until further instructed. 

406  
Trip whined, “Now I’ve nothing to munch! ”  
Archer offered him hotdogs and punch  
With poundcake and jam,  
provolone, tavern ham,  
And some Kosher dills to provide crunch. 

407  
Trip whined, “Now I’ve nothing to munch! ”  
Archer offered him hotdogs and punch  
With poundcake and jam  
And an ensign named “Sam”  
Trip had a mighty fine lunch.

408  
Said Archer, “This food tastes like spam!  
Now if anyone’s angry, I am.  
I expected roast beef,  
But it seems that some thief  
Left me only pork shoulders and ham!”

409  
Phlox turned over a leaf  
Tried to keep his comments brief  
While the movie played  
The good mood stayed  
Placid as fish in a coral reef. 

410  
T’Pol might appear rather staid,  
But her temper is constantly frayed  
So she’ll sit in the dark  
And a candle she’ll spark  
For calmness, she finds, is an aid. 

411  
“Reed, you little Brit nark!”  
Yelled Tucker one day for a lark.  
“You spoiled my joke  
— You’re just like your folk!  
You can’t take a kidding remark!” 

412  
“You go out of your way to provoke  
Others’ ire, you foolish bloke!  
Just let it alone — ”  
“Could you not piss and moan?  
It’s the _Vulcan_ I’m trying to stoke.”

413  
Poor Tucker let out a groan  
And pinched his nasal bone  
“Damn, Mal, she’s a Vulcan!”  
“Well, don’t stand there ‘sulkin’,’  
Go out and get one of your own!” 

414  
In the galley Tucker was skulkin’  
When in came a marine, hulkin’  
Chef wasn’t cooking,  
but she was just looking  
For a snack to eat while she read Tolkien. 

415  
She reached out her arm and by crooking  
Her hand she succeeded in hooking  
A pie made of chocolate,  
some pastry, a crumpet,  
And a scone without even looking.

416  
Then Trip popped out, crying, “You strumpet!”  
Said she: “You don’t like it? Then lump it!”  
“But you’ve taken the best  
sweets and left us the rest  
of the fruitcake — so that whole plate? Dump it!”

417  
“Commander, stop being a pest!”  
“Marine, you are still just a guest!”  
“I’m not, I’m your sister!”  
“You aren’t — how I’ve missed her —  
and that’s why we’re all on this quest!” 

418  
The Marine looked non-plussed and said, “Sir...  
From the tone of your voice I infer  
That my presence disturbs you  
I’m not made of green goo!  
My feelings are hurt by the slur.”

419  
“I meant no insult, but just who  
the hell do you think you are to  
compare yourself to Lizzie?  
So pardon the tizzie,  
But I’m hurtin’. If you only knew!” 

420  
“Forgive me. How ’bout a drink fizzy  
Like Alka-Seltzer?” “I’m too busy.”  
“Come off it! — You’re shirking!”  
“That’s not true! I’m working  
Out how to make T’Pol’s clothes invizzy!”

421  
The disturbed Marine started perking  
As she noticed T’Pol nearby, lurking  
“Oh my god, you’re a doll!”  
Replied T’Pol, “Oh how droll”  
Her head dismissively jerking.

422  
“So, I’m reading Tolkien — this troll  
who was fighting with Bilbo — ” T’Pol  
interjected, “I’ve read it.”  
“Now wait just a minute.  
The best part’s on this grassy knoll.”

423  
“Relax — come here by me and sit  
Let me show you this one little bit  
’Bout a magical ring.  
’Twas a most precious thing  
And it’s owner could make men submit!” 

424  
Just then, came a very loud ZING!!!  
Trip wondered aloud, “What’s that thing?  
That fried the warp coil.  
Who forgot to add oil?  
Is there no one in Engineering?”

425  
“My life is just nothing but toil  
Anything nice they will spoil  
I’ll go in a bit  
But right now I’ll sit  
Here, and lance this large boil.” 

426  
“Here, Trip,” said the Cap’n, “let me hold it,”  
as he picked up the surgical kit.  
“It’s infected for sure  
And time for a cure,  
Though my fee’s somewhat high, I’ll admit.”

427  
Trip grinned and looked so demure  
That Archer couldn’t help but be sure  
The time had arrived  
To run off and hide  
So they didn’t have a repeat of before. 

428  
Chef watched from the door, looking snide  
’Til Lieutenant Reed pulled him aside.  
“So give me a kiss!  
Cuz last night was bliss!  
And tonight I’m fit to be tied.”  
429  
Chef watched from the door, looking snide  
’Til Lieutenant Reed pulled him aside.  
“So give me a kiss!  
Cuz last night was bliss!”  
“Rehearsing again, Reed?” Chef sighed.  
430  
Chef watched from the door, looking snide  
’Til Lieutenant Reed pulled him aside.  
“So give me a kiss!  
Cuz last night was bliss!  
And I won’t have my passion denied.”

431  
“Your love I would never dis(s)  
My heart is a yawning abyss...”  
“Cut!” yelled crewman Dwight.  
“That’s all for tonight.  
Show’s tomorrow — dress rehearsal don’t miss!”

432  
Amdram* is young Reed’s delight  
“Young Reed?” snickered Trip, out of sight  
“I am just thirty-four!!”  
“You’ve said that before.”  
“And I’ll say it again — that all right?!?”  
_*Amdram = amateur dramatics_

433  
Reed seemed to feel rather sore  
At this unpleasant slur from a boor.  
“You’ve my honor offended —  
it must needs be defended —  
You realize that this means war!” 

434  
“To dueling have we then descended?”  
Asked Trip. “Tell me what you intended.”  
“I intend not to age,  
For the sake of Reed Rage.  
And my personnel file’s been amended.” 

435  
Malcolm’s anger Trip could not assuage.  
His blood pressure burst off the gauge  
and startled poor Phlox  
who in turn dropped his rocks  
And broke the Pyrithian bat’s cage. 

436  
The bat’s flight scared Trip out of his socks  
So he stumbled into a big box  
Which held an odd creature  
With the interesting feature  
Of resembling a rowing boat cox.

437  
“You remind me of my old teacher  
Who was also a part-time preacher,”  
Said Trip to the thing.  
“Sir, that’s insulting!”  
“No, no — I’m pleased to meetcha!”

438  
“So shall we discuss The One Ring?  
Or how hippogriffs might take wing?”  
“No, none of that junk!  
I’d rather get drunk  
Than listen to your babbling.”

439  
“I see that you have lots of spunk.”  
To Trip: “You’ve the scent of a skunk.”  
“Well yer mother’s a squirrel!”  
“Yer an unshaven churl,  
But that look kind of works on a hunk!”

Would you date Trip in a box?  
Would you double-date with Phlox?  
Would you date him on a dare?  
Would you, could you, date him bare?  
Would you date him wearing red?  
Would you date Mal Reed instead?  
Would you date both fine young men?  
Would you pay for lunch in yen?

440  
“So you’re a face-hair kinda girl?”  
“Face-hair kinda _boy_ — the name’s Earl.”  
“A cross-dressing beast!  
Ah don’t care in the least.  
You look awfully cute with that curl.”

441  
“So c’mon and let’s go for a whirl,  
Within this box we will twirl.”  
“No thanks, I’ll be sick  
and vomit real quick —  
And I only eat mother-of-pearl!” 

442  
So the marine is a young sexy chick  
With a wicked-ass tae kwon do kick  
And a mean attitude  
(Yet never a prude)  
And a hat that just says “Kiss Me Quick!” 

443  
Hoshi met this surfer dude  
Who preferred to hang ten in the nude.  
Said she, “I’ll wax your board”  
As Ban de Soleil she poured  
on his back, but it spilled in the food.

444  
But the nachos Hoshi soon restored  
And the al fresco smorgasbord  
Of lobster and crabs  
Served off wash-board abs  
Were all that her beau could afford.

445  
After dinner, they drank Cokes and Tabs  
As she tried to fend off secret grabs  
From the man — rather keen  
Who enjoyed being seen  
In seafood dribs and drabs.

446  
“You are my mermaid queen,”  
Said he, smiling wide, looking lean.  
“So what do you say  
We go out in the bay  
To a place where we cannot be seen?”

447  
“Disappear with a stranger? No way!  
That violates Safety Rule A!”  
“Never mind about that.  
I just wanted to chat,  
But it’s ‘hard to get’ you want to play!” 

448  
He was gracious and he tipped his hat  
So she didn’t hit him with a bat  
She just dismissed him and said,  
“Begone! Off to bed!”  
He was bowled in one — Howzat?!

449  
Engineers wear stripes of red  
(far safer than red shirts instead).  
Lending them a certain flair;  
Still, not better than bare,  
But much preferred to being dead. 

450  
They’ve an aura of savoir faire  
And about danger, they do not care  
They are handy with tools  
Suffer gladly no fools  
And they still have magnificent hair.

451  
When Doc Phlox is happy he drools  
Which caused ire in Denobulan schools  
For one day in class  
He found he would pass  
Blissful and perfectly formed stools.

452  
Our dear Tucker was grief struck, alas!  
He could not seem to catch any bass!  
So Trip made a wish  
Then found a catfish  
Which he cooked for his favorite lass.

453  
“Oh, Sugah, this is so delish!”  
She said, giving her hair a swish  
“Glad you like it, Momma,  
It’s a break from High Drama  
Eating with MACO, an’ dodgin’ a dish.”

454  
The commando from old Yokohama  
Once courted a highly strung llama.  
Though she’d never admit  
She left in a fit  
of pique when he ate her book _Rama_. 

455  
Malcolm and Trip from Nantucket  
Gave Archer a gift in a bucket  
It wasn’t a pistol  
or a sharp stick from Bristol  
and as for the bucket, Nan tucket.

456  
There was a young man named Trip Tucker  
Whose tool box would make the girls pucker  
The screwdriver was hefty  
The saw was built for a lefty  
And the gals all proclaimed him “Great ...fellow.”

457  
To film ENT you need cash by the fist-ful.  
Long hours can make the cast wistful  
and lonely for home.  
When their minds start to roam  
They remember their pay clear as crystal.

458  
Hoshi her hair loved to comb  
(she feared’s her dad’s bald gleaming dome).  
When she borrowed Reed’s conditioner  
Without his permission, her  
Head started gleaming like chrome. 

459  
Porthos has lots of dog fur  
His daddy they all should call “Sir.”  
They both eat their spinach  
Though okra makes them itch  
And kale causes gas they concur. 

460  
Maywhat’shisname got a sandwich  
Though it didn’t include a manwich.  
Though he wasn’t a veggie  
The meat seemed too heavy  
So with Hoshi he made an entrée switch.

461  
Digging into her plate of nut sedge*, he  
cut himself on a knife edgy  
“Ouch that hurt!” he cried  
“Well then, you’ve not tried  
The pain from an atomic wedgie!”  
_nut sedge: noun: a widely distributed perennial sedge having small edible nutlike tubers_

462  
“Once you’ve had one, you’re fit to be tied!  
But we Brits can take it in stride.”  
So Trip practiced on Reed,  
Showed his technique and speed,  
And ran off before being phaser-fried.

463  
“Commander, did you really need  
to humilate me?” he did plead.  
“Oh yes I did,”  
Trip said as he hid  
from Malcolm. (Though he didn’t succeed.)

464  
The Englishman stalked, skulked, and slid  
through the corridors, tense and fervid,  
With his weapon held ready  
His aim sure and steady  
(until Trip Mal’s bootlace undid).

465  
Mal rose and thwacked Trip on the headie  
So now Trip thought he was Freddie.  
He was scaring the crew  
They knew not what to do  
Several lay dead already.

466  
Just then Malcie had a big spew  
And that to Trip was a clue  
To put down the blades  
Put on his shades  
And go Ahhh-nie on what’s left of the crew.

467  
So equipped with a few stun grenades  
Trip left on a few escapades  
To beat the bad guys  
Not in hope for a prize  
But he wouldn’t refuse accolades.

468  
With a murderous look in his eyes  
And without an attempt to disguise  
His passion for fashion  
(No, he never goes clashin’)  
He looked cool as he sought Xindi spies.

469  
“I don’t know the meanin’ of compassion!”  
Cried Trip, through the Xindi blood splashin’  
“When you’ve had enough,  
Show _me_ that rough stuff.”  
Whispered Archer, his deep green eyes flashin’.

470  
Once Archer had looked really buff  
In fact, he may have even looked tough.  
But alas, time does pass  
And though he may still sass  
Only Trip knows it’s all just a bluff. 

471  
“In my book you still are first class,”  
Said Trip to the face in the glass  
“But I want get-backs  
Don’t confuse me with facts  
I’m going to hit him with a bass.”

472  
So he went after foes with an ax  
And Phlox’s skills he did tax  
To come up with a cure  
for “Limbs on the Floor”  
and “Suffering from Forty Whacks.” 

473  
But Trip was still bent on torture  
Indeed, he was very sure  
But then he saw light  
Indeed it was bright  
And now he don’t torture no more.

474  
I got my Trip figure! All right!  
His Starfleet blues fit very tight.  
With a bulge that’s well-placed  
Is this in good taste?  
Or he’s happy to see us tonight!

475  
He does look a little blank-faced  
Maybe they made him in haste.  
Or he’s trying to hide  
All the feelings inside  
As of Jon he thinks thoughts unchaste.

476  
Where to place him evay must decide:  
In the credenza — what side?  
In front or in back?  
Next to Malcie or Jack?  
Or somewhere else she hasn’t tried?

477  
The AF of Trip has no lack  
Of an odor which came from the pack-  
age in which he was sent.  
Indeed, the great scent  
May help ward off housecat attack! 

478  
The AF of Trip has no lack  
Of an odor which came from the pack-  
age in which he was sent.  
Indeed, the great scent  
Knocked evay right onto her back.

479  
Some parts of AF Trip are bent,  
Some bulge out, and here there’s a dent  
but don’t worry, kids,  
there’s still plenty of bids  
To find out where his pants went!

480  
He has a blank look with eyelids  
Projecting a stare which forbids  
What does he see?  
Is it you or me?  
Or a group of “singing” katydids? 

481  
We grasp our AFs with glee  
and think, “where would we all be  
if someone was cruel  
and took out a tool  
to cut off our Trip at the knee?”

482  
Trip’s takin’ them Xindi to school  
Let’s hope he don’t look like a fool  
’Cos if he goes round the bend  
He’ll start up the trend  
And nobody wants “Trip the Ghoul.”

483  
Towards Vegas the Tuckerites wend  
Their way to the con where they intend  
They all bring along  
a bright pink thong  
And feast their eyes on Trip’s rear end. 

484  
Just to see his smile they’ll join the throng  
And maybe even sing him a Tuckerite song  
But most importantly  
just make sure to be  
Polite, nice, coherent, and not long.

485  
Ah, oh, alas, woe is me  
How I do wish I could be  
At a Tuckerite show  
Where Trip fans all go  
To see all that there is to see.

486  
Trip likes it when Mal bends down low  
When the crew is playing limbo  
Mal gets under the stick  
and slithers past, quick,  
While Trip screams with delight “You my ho’!” 

487  
Says Mal, “That’s not my only trick,  
You should see what I do with my <click>  
_...damn UPN feed!  
this is *just* what I need!_  
“WOW!” said Trip, spent, “that’s really quite thick!”

488  
Ah yes, our boys are a dying breed  
Wowsers’ advice they never heed  
“Pssst, Connor! Advice from what?”  
“Read your script, Dom!” “Shut  
up, Mister Keating! Ad-libs we don’t need!” 

489  
A xindi-sloth sleeps in his hut  
forever greater than King Tut.  
But Trip’s on his way  
The Xindi to slay  
With Archer he’ll kick all their butt.

490  
On ENT there is no one to say  
’Cause all they ever do is play  
backgammon and darts  
Endless games of “strip-Hearts”  
And “What’s in Chef’s Mystery Soufflé?”

491  
Trip must now go out to marts  
To find a brand new set of parts  
A replacement injector,  
A “hot babe” detector,  
And Shuttlepod Seven-shaped tarts.

492  
Reed captured a Xindi defector  
While he was trying to drive a tractor  
“Stop in the name of John Deere!  
I’ll kick your arse clean out of here!”  
Sato sighed, “My hero, RE: Hector.” 

493  
“Get out of my way, you! Stand clear!”  
Said Reed, “I have nothing to fear!  
I hang from the ceiling  
and while my head’s reeling  
read limericks in mirrors, my dear!”

494  
While hung by his heels, Reed lost feeling  
So when he stood up he went wheeling  
Around and around  
And fell on the ground.  
Then he laid there just moaning and squealing. 

495  
Everyone plugged their ears as the sound  
Made them want a way t’ stop it be found  
“Shut up, Reed, please,”  
They begged on their knees  
“That noise on our skulls does so pound.”

496  
“A stint out in space is a breeze,”  
Said Tucker to his main squeeze.  
“There’s no air in space,”  
Groaned Reed to his face.  
“And besides that, you’ll probably freeze.”

497  
Said Trip, “But there’s no better place  
For a frosty yet delicious embrace.”  
“Tom Paris you’re not —  
Nor I Klingon hot —  
It’s a good thing I’ve got this canned Mace!” 

498  
New Guest Star: Robby Robot!  
Who’ll be in next week’s top spot?  
Two-headed Zaphod?  
“Beeblebrox, my old sod!”  
“Where’s your towel, frood?” “It’s my new ascot!” 

499  
Or maybe a being with god-  
Like powers and a human male bod.  
(But Trinneer’s cast already!)  
(Maybe “Q” in a teddy...)  
And then we’ll all stand and applaud!

500  
“Full ahead, helm — straight and steady.  
And ease up upon the foot, “Leady"...  
The thought of Q being dressed  
in Victoria’s Secret’s best  
Has me more than a bit queasy — veddy! 

501  
What will Jon do for Trip? Fans have guessed,  
since with OMT’s head they’ve messed,  
That they will sustain  
To their friendship a strain  
And neither will see Q undressed.

502  
Silik is Jon Archer’s bane.  
Soval’s transparent as a glass pane.  
They both raise his hackles;  
He’ll put them in shackles  
And bore them with speeches inane.

503  
For six months now we’ve played this game,  
And found neither honour nor fame.  
With rhymes like “Phlox Rox,”  
And that tribble’s box,  
We’ve found a new meaning of “lame.”

504  
“Don’t waste time with those jackals!”  
Malcolm malevolently cackles  
“Phlox’s pets are starving,  
so let’s start carving  
Up some bass, dace, pike, and mackerel!” 

505  
“Don’t waste time with those jackals!”  
Malcolm malevolently cackles  
“Come here; worship meee!  
And then the Xindi will be  
forcefed rotting fish. — Holy mack’rel!”

[There’s a _long_ -standing joke among certain _Star Trek: Voyager_ fans that Robert Beltran’s performance as Chakotay was really wooden, so jokes about trees and wood were frequent.]

506  
He exclaimed as he caught sight of a tree  
standing where a bulkhead should be.  
“Commander ChaOaktay?  
On this ship? I say!  
You’re violating the Temporal PD!”

507  
Robert Beltran said “Nay!”  
“I just dropped in on my way.”  
“On your way to the dump,  
don’t you mean, whining chump?  
Since you’re here can you hang out and play?”

508  
“Captain Kate will be mad, and she’ll bump  
Me down to cadet — Ensign Gump  
Will outrank poor ole me!  
And B’Elanna will see  
I’m assigned to clean out the waste pump!”

509  
“You deserve it — you’re boring and whiny...  
Why do I talk to this tree made of pine-y?!”  
So Malcolm walked out  
To have a good pout  
And reflect upon T’Pol’s great hiney.  
510  
“You deserve it — you’re boring and whiny...  
Why do I talk to this tree made of pine-y?!”  
So Malcolm walked out  
(Of the closet, no doubt)  
And Trip said, “I knew you’d by mine-y.”

511  
Archer talks about honor and duty  
But the crew thinks he is a bit fruity  
But some day he may  
Turn out to be gay  
Like he was in _American Beauty._

512  
Said Connor, “What rubbish they spout!  
These limericks need a good clout.”  
So he lifted his pen  
And wrote “To Ah’len”  
And the Tuckerites jumped all about.

513  
Trip likes to watch ESPN  
Archer prefers CNN  
Mal’s fave: BBC  
Hoshi: HGTV  
But for Trav it’s Nickleodeon.

514  
I hate getting spoiled for S3!  
Don’t tell me who’s shagging or free!  
Ignorance is bliss  
And so I dismiss  
These rumors of Trip and T’P.

515  
Don’t tell me a thing! Not even who’ll kiss!  
“A virgin viewer, I’ll be!” I shall hiss.  
Thread titles shouldn’t reveal _hint hint_  
What someone might feel  
On spoilers, I’ll take a miss.

516  
I love Trip’s muscles of steel  
More often he should them reveal  
In his brief tighty-blues  
He incites our passionate hues  
And our cheeks blush as with cochineal.

517  
Shran tap-danced in his pink shoes  
Said Archer, “Next time, no more blues.  
“These pills are too strong  
And the opera too long,  
And you can’t tap to 2LiveCrews.”

518  
Will “Enterprise” get a new song?  
A new title? The old one was “wrong"?  
an inspirational tune  
will get MACOs to croon  
Led by Chang, and his life partner Wong

519  
Perhaps they should use “Claire de Lune”  
I’ll bet _that_ would not clear the room  
like “Faith of the Heart”  
“No! Don’t let HIM start!”  
Russell Watson makes us all feel gloom. 

520  
There once was a Klingon named Bart  
Who cleaned up at the _Bat’telh_ Mart  
He was the _gheghest_ blade  
And never once afraid  
Since he used a _dk’tagh_ for a dart.

521  
In Vegas the con-goers paid  
To bask in the glow ENT stars made.  
We watched Connor play craps;  
With John we weren’t saps;  
Did our “Faith of the Heart” serenade. 

522  
Connor’s shirt made us think that perhaps  
His taste had finally lapsed  
It was bright and so loud  
TOP 41 turned to the crowd  
And said, “I think I’ll take Connor UNwrapped!” 

523  
A4T did us Tuckerites proud.  
When he met our boy he was not cowed.  
Despite CT’s threads  
In paisley and reds  
It was his charisma which wowed.

524  
Coherent thoughts were left in shreds  
That blazing shirt sure turned some heads  
And then the face  
Brought down the place  
“It must be a case for the Feds!”

525  
Oh, Connor Trinneer is a case  
For the team from “Without a Trace”  
They don’t have a clue  
With his skills what to do  
And so for bad plotlines we brace.

526  
“Don’t make me resort to haiku!”  
And put that sloth back in the zoo!  
Start the season right now  
’Fore evay has a cow  
And resorts to literary Kung Fu.

527  
And while we’re at it, just how  
will T’Pol break her logic-al vow?  
(A better question is “why” —  
the X - I - N - D - I?)  
Will she fling herself from the ship’s prow?

528  
When Trip Tucker started to cry  
His friend tried to cheer him with pie  
But his heart won’t be healed  
while T’pol’s lips stay sealed  
Which may be until piggies can fly.

529  
Just what will The Expanse reveal?  
Will they find a way Trip’s grief to heal?  
Will they find knowledge lost?  
And what will the cost  
Be to Trip and Jon’s friendship ideal? 

530  
The rules out the airlock are tossed  
When Expanse boundaries ENT has crossed.  
Make peace or wage war?  
How to even the score?  
With the Xindi who we now must accost.

531  
“More Enterprise! More, more, more!”  
Patience! We’ll soon see what’s in store.  
A new look for T’Pol  
suit — two sizes too small  
But Travis will still be line-poor.

532  
“Commander, you really have gall,  
Mascotting for that Xindi strip mall.”  
Dressing up like a Sloth  
’Cause they don’t wear cloth...”  
You know, I don’t like this limerick at all.

533  
With foam at the mouth Mal did froth  
“Commander, I’m vewwy vewwy cwoth. _{Lisping due to excessive frothiness}_  
I athed for some thoup  
to thettle my croup  
and Chef’th given me Brioschi broth!”

534  
Archer puts Trip through a hoop  
And his heart goes loop-de-loop  
He looks down at his horn  
“Trip, did you eat some corn?”  
He says as he wipes off the poop. 

threats of haiku hang  
like shirts in mr trinneer’s  
wardrobe — palpable

535  
An idea in Jon’s head was born  
As his heart over Angst!Trip was torn  
“I know how to soothe those cries  
This’ll help those tears in your eyes  
We’ll just watch some hot private...corn.”

536  
But Cap’n, you know I despise  
Seeing Jack Lemmon’s disguise  
In _Some Like It Hot_ —  
‘Quantum Leap’ it’s sure not,  
And you’ve sure got much sweeter eyes!”  
_YEAH! A4T’s back!  
_ 537  
“But Cap’n, you know I despise  
Being seen with tears in my eyes.”  
“Here’s my hanky <blot blot>  
I care not a jot!  
What you feel, you shouldn’t disguise!” 

538  
Poor Travis said, “There’s one spot  
That I’d rather be in it than not  
When we lose gravity  
— it’s already Zero-G  
So I can’t drop anything hot!”

539  
A roll of the eyes from Hoshi.  
“Is that all you think about? Tea?”  
“And ice cream!” said Travis.  
“My taste buds are in bliss  
but it’s cold if I spill it on me!”

540  
“Ice cream? I’ll give it a miss.”  
Said Trav: “Then how ’bout a kiss?”  
“Let’s give it a spin!”  
He gave her a grin  
And nothing at all went amiss.

541  
“Why, Doctor, you’re looking so thin!  
Though I see you can still pack it in.  
Whatever’s your trick?  
You still look like a stick.”  
Said Phlox, very simply, “Just gin.”

542  
“If _I_ drank that much I’d be sick,”  
said Mal, “And develop a tic.”  
“Not me!” said Trip.  
“I can chug it or sip —  
gin, ale, or beer, take your pick.”

543  
Tucker asked, “Nachos and dip?”  
Chef purred, “But cream I can whip.”  
Said Mal, “Cut it out!”  
Trip showed a sweet pout.  
“But this is the _tastiest_ ’ship!”

544  
Mal said, “What I’m excited about-  
Is this red-hot MACO! No Doubt.”  
With spasms ecstatic,  
Reed, weapons fanatic,  
Jumped up and down with a shout.

545  
“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic!”  
“I’m not, I’m just being emphatic!”  
“You’re in a right snit!”  
“Oh, but just think of it!”  
I generate more sparks than static!

546  
“He’s hot, get my oven mitt.”  
“Hold him by the elbow, not tit!  
He’s going to combust!”  
“My object of lust!”  
Whether baked, stewed, or fried — he’s a hit!

547  
The warp core was covered in rust  
Along with a layer of dust.  
The crew all were sleeping  
’Cept for Trip who was creeping  
Toward Captain Archer with lust. _(oooh la la)_

548  
See, this bad witch, on to the bridge sweeping,  
had cast the spell, her vengeance a-reaping  
Trip, back from Earth mourning sis,  
Now bent down to wake Jon with his kiss  
Little knowing the warp core was seeping. 

549  
A lurch caused poor Trip’s lips to miss  
Waking Porthos first! (long he’d try to erase this)  
“Beagle breath! Gross!”  
And looking morose,  
“Now I’m not in the mood,” he did hiss.

550  
Still, the good captain needed a dose  
Of charming prince lips, pressed so close.  
So Trip tried again  
And this tableau of men  
Did all A/T ’shippers engross. 

551  
Trip wandered into the den  
of three bears, and was eating when  
The big one said, “You!  
You’ll make a good stew.”  
’Cause bears like eating meat now and then. 

552  
“And besides, you’ve been drinking our brew!”  
Trip looked innocent and said, “Who?  
Not li’l ol’ me!  
Would you like some honey?”  
And fluttered his big eyes so blue.

553  
The bear thought his new guest was funny  
And the outlook for friendship was sunny  
In swept Goldie, so meek  
(Alien babe of the week)  
and said, “Let’s go back to your quarters, bunny!”

554  
The bear’s sunny outlook had turned bleak  
His guest was heading “up the creek.”  
Bear called out, “Don’t go!”  
Trip hollered back, “No!  
If we get busy here you might peek.” 

555  
But his choice to leave was a show;  
He knocked out the bint with one blow.  
“Goldie” was a he  
— a Suliban, gee! —  
and green skin with blond hair don’t go.

556  
Hoshi’s evil sis, T’Pol: “Clean for no fee!”  
“Tote that bar, lift that bale, chop that tree!”  
Fairy-Godmother Phlox  
Said “I’ll make you a _fox_!  
But by back here by twelve, not by three.”

557  
Prince Trip saw her feet, said, “Nice socks.  
Let’s dance all night — have a drink — scotch on rocks.”  
But the chime of the bell  
Sadly ended the spell  
Before they could get to detox.*  
_*As in decon_.

558  
Trip set out for where Granny did dwell  
With a basket of Girl Scout cookies to sell  
A Xindi-Wolf he met  
“My cookies you won’t get!  
And if you don’t watch out, there’ll be hell.”

559  
Said the Wolf, “I’m so happy we met!  
That’s the cutest red cloak I’ve seen yet!  
Where’d you get it (and how much for)?  
Perhaps a Xindi Eagle store?”  
“Not at all,” said young Trip. “’Twas Target.” 

560  
“But please explain the size of your  
shoes. They quiver me down to my core!”  
“All the better, my dear,  
my footsteps to hear  
as I come across your wood floor.”

561  
“And of such bigness your ear!  
And your huge eyes make me fear.”  
“Pshaw! Those are props!”  
Said the wolf, licking chops  
“But how scary do my teeth appear?”

562  
“Your sweet face my little heart stops!”  
said Trip, looking for his Mace drops.  
Then Mal rushed in shooting  
Trip said “Yer damn tootin’!”  
And they beat the wolf with riding crops.

563  
Our Boy Trip a cottage did find  
That ’twas gingerbread he did not mind.  
Hoshi left a trail  
to find home without fail  
But the crone who lived there was near blind. 

564  
Her food she liked fresh and not stale  
She cooked every day without fail  
“A Starfleet girl and boy?  
I’ll cook them with soy!”  
Poor Trip and Hoshi did quail.

565  
“For a dinner fit for the Savoy  
I’ll fatten them up.” But her ploy  
By Archer was thwarted  
And Mal quickly sorted  
out Trip from the peas and bok choy. 

567  
The stranded crew built three small huts.  
“Don’t build that from straw! Are you nuts?  
And not wood, either, ick!  
You must build with brick  
So Xindi-Wolves can’t rip out your guts!”

568  
A nasty Xindi-Wolf named Nick  
Destroyed both the hay and the stick  
But was stymied by stone.  
Yes, his wolf-breathed cyclone  
Was not nearly enough to do the trick. 

569  
On the way to Bremen, alone,  
Porthos found three friends and a large bone  
Together they “sang”  
“Icky-icky p’tang!”  
“Monty Python?” the village did groan.

570  
Jon said, “But I told you to do it!”  
Said Trip, “Aw, shucks — well, guess I blew it...  
It was jus’ a scratch  
On the shuttlebay hatch  
All I need is to get a round tuit!”

571  
“This tuit,” said Jon, “ — we’ve a batch  
In Cargo Bay One — find a match!”  
So Tucker dived in  
And scratched all his skin  
It’s nothing but rough justice, natch!

572  
Porthos growled and showed them one fang  
Which worked well to scare off that gang  
The village ran screaming  
Their bald heads gleaming  
So the “PortFour” debuted with a bang.

573  
The prisoner of a witch scheming,  
T’Pol in her tower sat dreaming  
(oops — Vulcans don’t dream!)  
She hoped for a beam-  
out, or a least rescue teaming.

574  
From the use of a special hair cream,  
The locks of this beauty supreme  
Would logically grow  
’Til they reached ground below.  
Her new ’do had some use, it would seem.

575  
She dangled her locks to and fro  
To signal Jon’s team where to go  
So Malcolm locked on  
With a _poof_ she was gone!  
Now T’Pol’s got split-ends, don’cha know!

576  
’til dawn I stayed reading this thread.  
Though really should have been in bed.  
I tried to get away,  
But right back I would stray,  
And laughed nigh until I was dead!

577  
Just poking my head in to say,  
To wych, Bandy, Bling and evay,  
Please, may I take part,  
In your work of art?  
The rules I will TRY to obey!

578  
The Vulcan — for there’s only one —  
For two whole years now upon  
The ship _Enterprise_  
Has sailed through the skies  
Even longer when counting rerun(s)!

579  
T’Pol quirked her brow and said “Guys,  
Trip’s gleaming devilish eyes,  
Have stolen my logic,  
And on things biologic,  
I’m just sick to death of those pies!” 

580  
“Hey babe, what’s your sign astrologic?”  
“Horoscopes? Bah! Spare the illogic!  
It’s quite bad enough  
Being in a constant huff  
O’er wearing these close-fitting togs — Ick!”

581  
“I’ll admit the suit’s really quite tough,”  
Scoffed T’Pol, looking dour and gruff.  
“But do you infer,  
I’d be better off, sir,  
Parading around in the buff?!” 

582  
“Did you hear her, Jonathan? That was rough!  
She all but bit my hand off at the cuff!”  
“Sometimes love stinks at the start.  
You just need faith of the heart  
That it’s more than a crush full of fluff.” 

583  
The seven dwarves made up a crew  
And shared their home with T’Pol, who  
Ate poisoned red fruit  
Which got caught “down the chute,”  
’Cuz the gal hadn’t bothered to chew.

584  
T’Pol, though in coma, quite cute!  
The dwarves mused in teary salute,  
But what they mourned the most  
Was her wonderful French toast  
Which she served while strumming on a lute.

585  
Now T’Pol’s skin was white as a ghost  
So the dwarves searched from coast to coast  
For the best tanning aid  
The right shade and non-fade  
Which would ship to them by Parcel Post.

586  
In subspace their order decayed,  
The package sent left them dismayed!  
They’d ordered a gel,  
So why in the frell  
Had the company shipped Dennis Quaid?

587  
To make sure that the charges were paid,  
The mailman who brought the box stayed.  
Until Prince Jon showed  
One he’d turned to a toad  
And he hastily said, “They’re defrayed!”

588  
Then Prince Jon entered the crew’s abode;  
On T’Pol’s mouth a kiss he bestowed.  
Apple fell from her lips  
Bounced off pointy hips  
And he viewed her hair as it flowed.

589  
“That was your kiss? I was hoping for Trip’s,”  
she sighed. Poor Jon, ego in strips,  
stood up straight, dignified,  
and said, “Madam, I lied.  
You’re ugly and your big nose drips.”

(You know I hate to interrupt this but we need to discuss these _dwarves_ :  
Are we talking about  
Sleepy Archer  
Bashful Hoshi  
Doc Phlox  
Happy Trip  
Sneezy Reed  
Grumpy Soval  
and  
Dopey Travis  
Or would it work better the other way round:  
Archer: Dopey  
Trip: Cranky  
Reed: Stinky  
Hoshi: Whiny  
Travis: Wishful (thinking)  
Phlox: Creepy  
Sorry, I got sidetracked.)

590  
“Ugly?” — T’Pol nearly cried.  
For Jon’s throat the Dwarf crew vied.  
But reached only his knees;  
They were soon deportees.  
And wakeup calls Archer wished he’d not tried. 

591  
This limerick my head starts to squeeze  
So start the new season, PLEASE!  
New scenes for to rhyme  
New villians to call “Slime!”  
And our limerick no risk of page threes.

592  
Last night in the trailer we saw —  
Was it true? Someone’s there in the raw?  
“Hurry up! Be next week!”  
All the Trekkies did squeak.  
“What else is there to look out faw?”

593  
The new MACOs, they weren’t meek  
Havoc and chaos they’d wreak  
Running all ’round the ship  
They annoyed Jon and Trip  
And nearly made poor Malcolm freak.

594  
One day Silent Travis did strip  
Down to exercise gear, then did slip  
Into the ship’s gym.  
MACOs drooled over him.  
“Do you need spotters, sir?” they did quip.

595  
Travis seized on the chance — rather thin —  
And pulled out his flute. With a grin  
he started to play,  
leading MACOs away  
Out the airlock, much to their chagrin.

596  
Malcolm was now full of glee  
Of those MACO sods he was free  
“Thanks, Trav — have a kiss!”  
“I want cash,” spat Travis.  
“I fumigated — pay me!”

597  
But Malcolm started to dismiss  
The boy. So at this obvious dis  
-regard of his claims  
Trav kicked butt and took names  
“The MACOs come back!” he did hiss.

598  
With more time, he re-thought his aims;  
Not the MACOs target of his games  
But instead steal Mal’s “kids.”  
Without blinking his lids  
He set all Mal’s pineapple in flames! 

599  
Said Mal, “Oh, Vermicious Knids!  
My whole life is now on the skids!”  
Trav shrugged and said, “Heck,  
Shouldn’t’a blown off my check.”  
And skedaddled with two power grids.

600  
Mal tripped on a lamp. “What the feck?...  
People littering all over B-deck!  
And it’s covered in dust —  
So clean it I must.  
I’ll just polish off this wee speck.”

601  
As he wiped off the dirt and the rust,  
With a whistling sound and a gust  
T’Pol the Genie appeared  
And with these words Mal was cheered:  
“Could you _please_ free my poor Vulcan bust?”

602  
Nigh to her zipper he neared  
“I meant, get my statue,” she sneered.  
Said Mal, “No! It’s a wish!”  
“You _wish_ , all right.” _::swish::_  
Back into the lamp, as he feared.

603  
“I’ve still got three wishes. Delish!  
I wish for a T’Pol to squish!”  
Trip looked hurt, and he said  
“Couldja squish me instead?  
’Less you’ve got a genii fetish...”

604  
Mal said, “Trip! You’ll turn my head!”  
As his face turned a bright shade of red  
“Aw, you’re cute when you’re mad!  
And the idea I had,  
Would ya’ care to discuss it?” he pled.

605  
Genie T’Pol was irked, just a tad  
Since her new catsuit was made of plaid  
She started to strip  
And then suddenly Trip  
Rubbed the lamp. “Uh...was my timing bad?” 

606  
The Xindi all had a nice chat:  
Scales, humanoids, ones in a vat.  
Sloth said “Wait and see.”  
But the bug-like Xindi  
Wanted the _Enterprise_ to go :SPLAT:!!! 

607  
Jon and Trip, in an obvious trap,  
Tried escape through a river of crap.  
MACOs, guns blazing  
To the rescue, Amazing!  
All survived, ’cept for the Xindi chap.

608  
The captain’s more serious now  
The furrow’s more deep in his brow  
Starfleet will depend  
On him to defend  
The planet from going _Ka-POW!_

609  
To the planet the MACOs descend  
Their military skills to lend  
Malcolm goes too  
Though minus HIS crew  
His territory to defend.

610  
Jon dropped some nasty blue goo  
All over Trip’s fluffy new ’do.  
“My hair is a mess!  
Now let us egress  
Before we become barbecue!” 

611  
The sergeant Hoshi did impress  
When she pinned down the kid’s home address  
with the lilt of his speech  
Not a security breach  
Just some linguist dexterousness.

612  
Did Travis his line quota reach  
in two scenes, just one line in each?  
The scene switched to Trip  
Poor Trav was a blip  
Seems the fates’ve left him high on the beach.

613  
In the cave, with the Xin in his grip  
Archer stopped him with one little “Trip.”  
What secret power has he  
O’er his friend? Can it be  
That the two were once joined at the hip? 

614  
“I know he’ll listen to me,”  
thinks Jon — but not for long, we’ll see.  
When Trip finally snaps  
And joins the Sloths for naps  
We’ll find out if he sleeps nightmare-free.

615  
Pimp!Phlox said, “Subcommander, perhaps  
you’d join me for quoits, cards, or craps?  
There’re some nice gents in town  
Who’d like to get up your gown.”  
_That’s about when she commenced with the slaps._

616  
Phlox said, “Subcommander, perhaps  
you’d join me for quoits, cards, or craps?  
Or teach me to win  
At rummy or gin;  
From boredom I soon will collapse.”

617  
To T’Pol’s everlasting chagrin,  
Pimp!Phlox had a sly plan wherein  
Intransigent Trip  
Would into sleep slip —  
But then she could put on some clothin’.

618  
Massages he would rather skip.  
But when he was ordered to strip  
He did so with good grace,  
Patient smile on his face,  
And his griping mouth he did zip.

619  
“No. ...No, NO, NO! NO! Not at ALL!”  
Poor Trip’s jaw on the floor it did fall.  
“What? I? Make advances?  
Those were not ‘sexy’ glances.”  
“‘ _Intransigent_ ’? You’ve got some gall!”

620  
“No. ...No, NO, NO! NO! Not at ALL!”  
Trip Tucker’s loud protest did fall  
On T’Pol’s pointed ears,  
Confirming her fears  
That his hormones did hold him in thrall.

621  
It’s been “We come in peace” for two years.  
Now they’re fighting, with blood, sweat, and tears  
To stop the Xindi.  
And we’ll all agree  
That for crew deaths ENT is in arrears. 

622  
Whack off a redshirt or three?  
Tragic, but necessary.  
A conclusion foregone  
To hear Phlox: “He’s dead, Jon.”  
So bring on the first casualty! 

623  
The pirates have now come and withdrawn  
But Trip fought them, not with a yawn,  
But with lightning and fire  
he unleashed his ire  
upon the Osaarian spawn.

624  
The prisoner did almost expire  
In the airlock. His outlook was dire.  
“Captain? _Captain?"_ asked Mal.  
“Is this good for morale?”  
The lieutenant began to perspire.

625  
“Just mind your own business there, pal.  
All bets are off and I shall  
Make the prisoner speak!  
Now — the Xindi, you freak!  
For pain-giving I’ve a rationale.”

626  
“No, Captain, I think you’re too weak.  
You can’t stomach making me shriek.”  
“We’ll see about that!  
How about a nice chat  
with no air? Your future looks bleak.” 

627  
The Bs try to jazz up poor ENT,  
Xindi and MACOs they think heaven sent,  
But sadly fail then,  
For sadsack UPN,  
They just build ratings for Clark Kent! 

628  
If Trip stays punchy he’ll fall flat  
On his face (or his behind), whereat  
The good doc will say,  
“Try the leeches, I pray.  
This is something I do not jest at!”

629  
“Sleep with those slimy things? No way!  
Can’t I just have a hypospray?”  
“That junk causes addiction,”  
Said Phlox with conviction.  
“But I hear T’Pol’s ready to play.”

630  
“I’d rather snuggle up with my Jon.  
Without one stitch of clothes on.  
THAT’D give me sweet dreams  
’stead of wakin’ with screams  
And might possibly lead to promotion.”

631  
Hoshi downloaded the data streams.  
Will they help Archer foil Xindi schemes?  
With the new information  
They’ll add insulation  
So the ship will not shake with mad screams.

632  
While seeking the Xindi location  
T’Pol found a brand new vocation.  
Jon and Trip crawled through blue goo,  
MACOs to the rescue,  
All adding to Archer’s frustration.

633  
“Captain Caveman!” Not Archer’s new ’do,  
But the crap they made them suffer through.  
With lots of latex  
and script holes like Chex  
Let’s skip this ep, huh? What say you?

634  
Alight fair Vulcan thine ascerbic tongue.  
Upon this gift mine of fuzzy fruit slung.  
Favours none, but for one;  
Chuck those pits when y’all done.  
So his basket, out the door, she had flung. 

635  
Tucker bares his feet and his pecs  
While Archer decodes Xindi specs.  
A race long since dead  
Left a virus so bred  
It mutates every poor slob it infects.

636  
Though Trip’s pecs and fair pate be Grade A,  
Of his feet I’d not wait in waylay.  
Yet hurry, D.N.A....  
Morhphed them all a dumb way.  
The Peaches!!! And so spit saved the day.

637  
Archer knew he should have stayed in bed  
But he went chasing Xindi instead.  
Now Mal’s climbing trees  
with a chimpanzee’s ease  
And there’s bumps on Hoshi’s melon head.

638  
“Subcommander, don’t touch my feet, please!”  
“Don’t worry, I don’t intend to tease.”  
“But I’m... _ticklish!_  
My feet stink of fish,  
Or more like ripe Limburger cheese!” 

639  
Said T’Pol, “I’ll stop, if you wish.”  
Trip dropped his shirt with a flourish.  
She could not help but gape  
At his lickable nape  
And rubbed that delectable dish.

640  
Her hands roamed o’er his manly shape,  
But Jon’s comm allowed Trip to escape.  
He didn’t have to endure  
Touch to places obscure  
Or pokes that might make him go ape. 

641  
There was a grand ship called _Enterprise_ ,  
With star-eyed crew to sensualize.  
Arch ’n Trip made for two,  
Who’s hot bods drew much ado.  
Still, t’was crotches we would canonize. 

642  
Peaches. Massage. Tickling? No.  
Virus. Mutants. Vulcan? Slow.  
Huntsmen. Burn it!  
Wormfruit. Ah! Spit!  
Beam in. Warp Speed. Phloxy — GO! 

643  
There once was this producer Berman,  
Who’d fancied he’d had lots a learnin’.  
But along came Brannon,  
Who’d done his own crammin’,  
And the two set Star Trek -burnin’.

644  
In a week UPN has Rajiin,  
Who profits from sin to save her skin  
She puts out for Xindi,  
But don’t call her Mindy,  
“That slut’s over 40...wipe that grin!”

645  
The virus Phlox said would be cured  
If T’Pol’s DNA was secured  
Through the ship Trip did flee —  
A bat out of hell, he! —  
By promise of Reset Button™ lured.

646  
The captain ignored Phlox’s plea  
And ordered the virus to be  
Stashed away for safekeeping.  
Now Jon won’t be weeping  
For Loque’que lost eternally. 

647  
Archer looks up. “What’s that beeping?”  
Mal says, “Sorry, my tea is done steeping.  
I wonder who stole  
My glass sugar bowl?  
I need at least three spoonfuls, heaping.”

648  
“That stuff will eat a great big hole  
in dental enamel, poor soul.”  
“But I’ve a sweet tooth  
large as Texas, in truth,  
guess I’ll work on my self-control.” 

649  
“But refusing dessert is uncouth!”  
said Trip from the next diner booth.  
“’Sides, you don’t need to diet.  
Pecan Pie! Y’should try it!  
Goes great with a splash of Vermouth!” 

650  
“But won’t the vermouth make it wet  
and inedible?” “Nah, don’t you fret.  
It’s like tiramisu —  
A dish of sweet goo  
with a little kick to it, I’ll bet.”

651  
What the Xindi sent Rajiin to do  
was examine the _Enterprise_ crew.  
With hypnotic eyes  
And silver-tongued lies,  
She groped all their vertebrae — ew!

652  
She came aboard ENT in the guise  
Of an innocent. But she was wise  
In the art of seduction,  
Biometrics deduction,  
and clothes just too small for her size.

653  
Xindi. Traders. Liars. Obstruction.  
Space pimps. Raijiin. Thought-waves. Lip suction.  
Feel-ups. Bioscans.  
Trell-D. Roaming hands.  
Data? Weapons? Red-shirts. Abduction.

654  
Trip’s no longer in Archer’s plans.  
He’s frozen out and so it stands  
That while there’s a chill  
Between them there’s no thrill  
In each new ep for Archer/Trip fans. 

655  
And neither is Trip happy still  
To snuggle with Malcolm. So spill!  
With whom is he sharing  
The grief that is tearing  
His heart as his face remains still?

656  
The ’shippers are sad and despairing  
’Cause friendships aboard ENT need repairing.  
’Cept the Trip/T’Pol group  
Who were starting to droop  
Are now for something larger preparing.

657  
They cooked up a kettle of soup  
Made of Trellium D. But the goop  
Was really unstable  
Made a mess of the table  
And dissolved Chef’s big ice cream scoop!

658  
Was Future Guy’s story a fable  
he told so a war he’d enable?  
Should the captain trust  
him or be disgust-  
ed, considering all he does say “bull?”

659  
Poor Trip and Mal were nonplussed  
When transported back to home just  
As they were seeking  
For Travis, in keeping  
Of a computer’s terrible lust. 

660  
In Jon’s cabin the deckplate was squeaking  
On his sanity ’twas havoc wreaking  
’Til Roxann she fixed it  
The “cost"? Just a wee bit:  
the helmsman. It’s not a part speaking!

661  
Jon Archer was in a right snit  
At his poor coffee cup - just ’cos it  
was floating mid-air!  
How did it stay there?  
Or was he having a caffeine fit? 

662  
Porthos whined “It isn’t fair!  
There’s no cheese in the cupboard — it’s bare!  
Hang my digestion!  
For this is the question:  
Who took away my Gruyere?”

663  
Poor Malcolm had awful congestion  
Leading him to a small indiscretion  
(he sneezed in his helmet)  
He felt really upset  
But no one could see his expression! 

664  
Trip broke out in a cold sweat  
No longer felt hail-fellow-well-met  
But “Back off! You’ve got flu!”  
“It’s to Sickbay with you!”  
To meet Phlox’s odd curative pet.

665  
There once was a man named Romero,  
Who filmed lots a blood and marrow.  
His subtext it did seem,  
Was repugs are extreme;  
Last night’s show alas shoots no such arrow. 

666  
“By the way, Cap’n, the crew  
Could really use something to do.  
‘Road’ shows with Bob Hope?  
R’n’R or Doc’s dope?  
I vote for the laughs. How ’bout you?” 

667  
Shriek! Flashback. Asteroids. Gloom.  
Trip! Movie night. Trellium. Doom.  
Vulcans? Paranoid.  
Zombies? Soon destroyed.  
Snarl! Nightmares. Humanity. Zoom.

668  
In decon, when Trip dropped the soap...  
Someone used the chance for a grope.  
Was it Hosh, Jon or Mal?  
“Watch those fingers, there, pal!”  
“Sorry,” whined Phlox. “Oh, don’t mope!”

669  
“I’d rather dig out my own root canal  
Than be a Denobulan’s ‘gal.’  
Share and share alike  
with whomever’s down the pike?  
That’s no good for a gentleman’s morale!”

670  
Why did T’Pol go coocoo?  
The zombie ship offered a clue.  
That trellium stuff  
Is the culprit. But gruff  
Archer showed his humanity, too. 

671  
Said Phlox, “You’re a feisty young tyke!  
Wanna go for a ride on my...bike?  
You’d look good in leather.”  
“It depends upon whether  
My sweet Chef is up for a hike.”

672  
Said Jon, “Chef said he’s under the weather!  
Oh no! I’m at the end of my tether!  
“Ah’ll make chicken soup.  
It’s good for the croup.”  
A: But he’ll recover when we’re together!

673  
Trip’s heart did a slow loop-de-loop.  
“To beggin’ I never would stoop,  
But answer me please —  
An’ Jon, don’t you tease —  
Will you take just one bite of my drupe?”

674  
Trip played Archer’s heartstrings with ease  
Til an unwanted Vulcan in did breeze.  
“Illogical love  
fits Reed like a glove,  
So begone, I’ve a Captain to please.”

675  
Out the door they gave Polly a shove.  
Jon said, “Now where were we, my dove?  
I will taste your peach  
If you promise to teach  
Me your trick for freshness thereof.”

676  
Said Trip, “I could make you a speech!  
One that would sure make you preach — ”  
“Don’t Southern boys know  
love will better flow  
If we save the talking for the beach?” 

677  
“Ah think we should take this real slow.”  
“NO! I want e v e r y crewman to know!!!!”  
“Let’s not be so hasty — ”  
“But your lips are so tasty...”  
“Oh, what the hell, Cap’n. Make it so!”

678  
There once was a Xin-sloth named Roth  
Whose lithping was really atroth.  
“Theithe the humanth, men!”  
But his men couldn’t ken  
So the crew escaped without loth.  
679  
There once was a Xin-sloth named Rothe  
Whose lisping was really atroth.  
“Find the humanth real thoon!”  
But her minions slept ’til noon  
And their thearch party never came clothe. 

680  
Archer’s complexion was pasty  
After finding Trip’s kiss was all yeasty.  
“You smooched Chef again?!”  
Trip blushed. “I’ve a yen  
For baked goods which are orange zesty.”

681  
Jon turned to a new lover, Sven,  
And cooed “Ooh, I just adore men — ”  
“Now you’re cheating on me?”  
Trip raged. “Hey Blondie —  
Here’s a fresh knuckle sandwich — eat ten!”

682  
“Oh, Trip, can’t you see?  
You were the one who left — be  
reasonable, now — ”  
“You cheating, fat cow!  
Get back to your Zen, Vulcan-she-  
683  
-devil! I’ve known you knew how  
to switch shapes for ages now, sow!”  
So back to your candles  
Let go his love handles!  
He’s MY MAN — we’ve taken a vow!”  


684  
“Oh Trip, let’s forget such scandals,  
But put yourself in my sandals —  
It’s natural I’d bond  
with a hot MACO blond  
You know, they make out like vandals!” 

“Fumbling Toward Ecstasy”  
(with apologies to Sarah MacLachlan and Dr. Seuss)  
If Trip caught his pip on the zip of Jon’s pocket  
And his lip t’ward Jon’s nip were to slip, would Jon block it?  
If Trip snagged the whip at his hip on a sprocket  
Would he flip so’s to grip just the tip of Jon’s rocket?  
Or just skip it and strip off and ...<snip>... the door, lock it! 

685  
“But, Jonny, how can you be fond  
Of a man who resembles a pond?  
That terrible jacket  
— I _so_ just can’t hack it —  
Much better’s this shirt which I’ve donned!”

686  
“ ‘That shirt’ makes a helluva racket,”  
sneered the MACO in question. “Just pack it  
away with your hopes  
of Captainly gropes.”  
Said Trip, “Shut your mouth, pal, or I’ll smack it!” 

687  
“Darlin’, we’re a couple of dopes.  
Our lives are worse than in the soaps.  
Can we kiss and make up?”  
“How I love you, Trip!” — “Yup!”  
Alone, the poor MACO mopes.

688  
On truffles did Trip and Chef sup  
And made eyes o’er the rim of a cup.  
“I made these for you, sweet.”  
“Chocolate salty balls? Neat!”  
Travis glared, but didn’t speak up. 

689  
Unwilling to admit defeat,  
Travis just gave up on “discreet.”  
“Hey, Chef, _I’m_ your man.”  
“Can you cook?” “I can.”  
And Trip was thus out in the street.

690  
“Woe! Alas! Was there ever an  
engineer left so without plan?”  
“Perhaps I can suggest,  
Mister Tucker — no jest —  
You leave before *stuff* hits the fan!”

691  
Whispers. Visions. Hoshi. Fear.  
Tarkin. Psychic. Deceit. Sphere.  
Shuttlepod. Fire now!  
Companion? No-how.  
Fifty! Info. Goodbye, dear.

692  
Tarq threatened Hoshi with the fate  
of ENT’s crew: “Stay here, you ingrate,  
or it’s curtains for them!”  
“But what of your gem?  
I’ll crush it before I’m your mate!” 

693  
“Would you be cruel and condemn  
Me to a life with only mem-  
ories of one so sweet?”  
“I must stay with Starfleet,  
and besides, you’re a creepy old BEM*!”  
_*Old sci-fi slang for Bug-Eyed Monster_

[The thread reached some ridiculous length, like 1,000 posts, and the mods made us start a new one.] 

694  
Farewell to the good old thread  
For now it has been put to bed.  
We would miss it sore,  
But we have room for more,  
And eps still to be limerick-ed. 

695  
When the sensor relays were dead meat  
Archer would not admit to defeat.  
They broke out the EV suits  
And big ol’ gravity boots  
But the shuttle crashed down on their feet.

696  
Trip Tucker wailed, “I’ll not dispute  
That I made a mistake.” “You’re darn toot-  
in’,” said Jon. “But don’t fear.”  
I won’t spank your rear....  
Unless you would like it. You’re cute!”

697  
Travis’ job is to steer  
while he sits with a grin so queer  
“Does he or doesn’t he?”  
“With Trip or with Hoshi?”  
“Or is he to Chef the most dear??” 

698  
We limerickers like A4T  
And write stuff to keep him hap-py.  
He sums up each ’sode  
in two-syllable ode  
A feat which is quite beyond me. 

699  
The pace of our rhyming has slowed  
As we’ve seen our numbers erode  
Down to a faithful few  
Limerickers who  
Were with a love of wordcraft bestowed.

700  
Absurd? I suppose it is true  
That the forum at large holds that view  
’Cause once evay let slip  
That she shipped on Chef/Trip  
Poetic sanity said, “Adieu!” 

701  
Adieu, to ENT Limerick 1,  
It sure was a lot of fun,  
Sometimes it’s tough trick,  
To come up with a limerick,  
Thank God for the power of Pun! 

702  
On the board it was my first foray,  
spouting rhymes which were rather cliché,  
As unseasoned cadet,  
’hind the ears I’m damp yet,  
Yet I still love to join the word play!

703  
Raise a glass in salute — don’t regret.  
Many threads will the old one beget!  
Sad, ’tis true, that it’s gone,  
but the Lim’ricks live on!  
They’ll get worse — that would be a safe bet.

704  
Visit the House of Tucker - no con!  
It’s the best site I ever did happen upon  
With plenty of verses  
And lists of Trip’s curses  
As well as impressions of Don Juan!

705  
Trip takes the Big Chair when Jon  
gets sent by Doc Phlox to Decon.  
But he’d rather be nursing  
The engine he’s cursing,  
or reading of Bellerophon.

706  
The tricksy _Enterprise_ now traversing  
a wine-dark Expanse while gods are cursing,  
Archerysses’ fate  
must for one more week wait  
for his fortunes to be reversing.

707  
Hoshi, tongue silvered, was bait  
for a lonely god seeking a mate  
Decoyed all unknowing  
where the hell they were going.  
Had he Xindi info to relate?

708  
He sought to entice her with castles all snowing  
And visions of places afar was her showing  
But she wanted ol’ Travis  
Not guys vaguely like Ravis  
Though the god’s wrath she risked when she tried him off-blowing. 

709  
Then Archer spoke in her behalf. “This  
has gone far enough. It’s no laugh. Kiss  
Miss Sato goodbye  
Or else she will cry!  
And off you don’t want me to piss!”

710  
Trip, grieving, could not let her die  
And pled Lizzie’s fate — “One more try!”  
Xindi-sloth gave permission  
But with one condition:  
“No contact ’til you reach open sky!”

711  
Archerysses sailed far  
Til sirens called from yonder star  
“Tie me up and wax your ears  
That I might listen while Trav steers.”  
_And let’s hope it’s not just more PonFarr._

712  
Cursed by Neptune, threat to ships,  
Faithful ever to his dear Trips _(it’s a nickname!)_  
The horrid trials  
The endless miles  
Homeward e’er his proud bark skips.

713  
Determined, Trip began his mission,  
But almost without his volition  
He felt himself turn  
And towards Lizzie yearn  
But away faded her apparition.

714  
Then Trip’s pleas the Sloth-man did spurn  
“Just one chance you had — now you learn!”  
No begging or crying  
would change his mind — sighing,  
Trip left; still his anguish did burn.

715  
To escape the labyrinth Jon was trying,  
and warned Trip, “Just watch where you’re flying!  
Even though the pod’s tough  
That flame’s hot enough  
And I’ve no wish to be the farm buying.”

716  
But Trip thought he’d call Archer’s bluff  
Since the atmosphere wasn’t _that_ rough.  
“I know what I’m doing!”  
He said, though soon rueing  
His claims of having the _right stuff._

Archer: I wish to complain about this beagle what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very sickbay.  
Phlox: Oh yes, the, ah, the Wily Porthos...What seems to be wrong with it?  
Archer: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ’E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!  
Phlox: No, no, he’s, ah,...he’s resting.  
Archer: Look, matey, I know a dead beagle when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.  
Phlox: No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s resting! Remarkable dog, the Wily Porthos, isn’t? Most unusual mating habits!  
Archer: The mating habits don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.  
Phlox: Nononono, no, no! He’s resting!  
Archer: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! _(shouting at the cage)_ ’Ello, Mister Porthos! I’ve got a lovely fresh bit of cheese for you if you show...  
_(Phlox hits the cage)  
_ Phlox: There, he moved!  
Archer: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the cage!  
Phlox: No, no, Captain, you must be mistaken!  
Archer: Yes, you did!  
Phlox: Indeed, I’m sure I didn’t!  
Archer: _(yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly)_ ’ELLO PORTHOS!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!  
_(Takes dog out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)  
_ Archer: Now that’s what I call a dead beagle.  


717  
And his arrogance was his undoing;  
Heat started the shuttle’s ungluing.  
Consoles did explode  
White-hot plasma flowed  
Just like when my two guys were wooing!

718  
“Trip, it’s a good thing you’re bestowed  
With good looks and charm, ’cause you’ve showed  
With your lack of a brain  
And your Physics Disdain*  
It’s a wonder the ship don’t explode!”  
_*Physics Disdain: a cousin of Math Anxiety_

719  
“Hey! Engineer I remain!  
It surely must be very plain  
I ain’t here for my looks  
But my skills with the books  
And the engine at warp to sustain!”

720  
So Trip filled the crannies and nooks  
of the leaking manifold with Brooks  
Brothers fine shirts,  
And ignoring his hurts,  
Told T’Pol to deploy grappling hooks. 

721  
The engine restarted in spurts  
spitting plasma in great gouts and blurts  
But too late for Trip,  
for a great spatial rip  
phased him out at two million mHz.

722  
“But how to repair our fine ship  
Without Trip here to maintain his grip?”  
The outlook was bleak  
With ENT up...ship’s creek  
And the worth of their lives one corn chip.

723  
When suddenly (as all spacial rips do)  
it reopened and out dear Trip flew!  
a bit worse for the wear  
with some crud in his hair  
just like that _Poltergeist_ goo.

724  
Then Jon, happy to see Trip was there,  
Said, “I almost gave in to despair  
When I thought you were dead.  
Now let’s go ahead  
And get out of this huge solar flare!” 

725  
Count Stalkula’s numbers ENT led  
to a lab and a colonists’ stead.  
Angry Archer did rave;  
Old Gralik did cave,  
Though for some fireworks Malcolm pled. 

726  
If Archer to Trip chocolates gave  
with the warning to Tucker “Behave!”  
They’d be brown head to toe  
And where that would go...  
Well, it’s a secret they’ll take to their grave. 

727  
The commander wanted to know  
Just what made the Xindi gun so  
Especially icky —  
’Twas a wiggly, sticky,  
slug with brain ran the show! 

728  
Trip hoped that he might get a quickie  
And figured in decon, all slick-y,  
His chance would go up  
For him to get a shtupp  
and maybe a passionate hickey. 

729  
Archer was engaged with his pup _(deconning Porthos again)_  
But Malcolm was ready, so “Yup!  
Leave your dog in my hands  
while you tend to Trip’s glands.”  
“THANKS, Mal,” squealed Trip, “I’ll make it up.” 

730  
Chef brought in the gold wedding bands  
While Jon wiped off Trip’s face. “Lands!  
But you do salivate!”  
“For my Chef — ain’t he great?”  
“But a wedding in _here_ he demands?”

731  
“Why not? I’m in the perfect state!” _{mostly nekkid}_  
“For a good hearty shagging, right, mate?”  
said Mal, eyes alight  
as Trip came into sight.  
“I left Porthos with Parm* to grate.”  
_*Short for Parmigiana cheese, of course_

732  
Said Trip, “Ah, you know that I might  
Flit from bedroom to bedroom each night,  
but my love lies elsewhere,  
down with my Engine so fair,  
The rest of you just can’t...ignite.”

733  
Poor Jon needed Nurse T’Pol’s care  
’Cause each day he woke up unaware,  
needing to be retold  
of events sad and old  
that made him rip out his gray hair. 

734  
In the alt timeline Mal’s bearded and bold  
And a fright it was to behold —  
So what happened to  
That uptight guy who  
Gave Trip the “well-groomed officer” scold?

735  
Xindi-orb. Shattered Earth. Where in time? Whoa!  
Mem’ry loss. Nurse T’Pol. Archer grey. No!  
Captain Trip rocks!  
Subspace cure? Phlox.  
All is lost. All is saved. Is Trip great? _**SO!**_

736  
The Denobs thought out of the box  
to cure Archer’s temporal pox  
Turns out that warp drive  
Could keep Earth alive  
As well as reset all ENT’s clocks. 

737  
As man’s last best hope to survive,  
Cap’n Trip and the ENT crew did strive  
’gainst Xindi to defend —  
gave their lives to the end —  
Reset Button™! Hey, they’re alive! 

738  
They did not break, though they might bend —  
Trip had Mal, his stalwart friend,  
to serve at his side  
Though Travis had died...  
I’ve no doubt they’d triumph in the end.

739  
To my poetic friends I confide  
Seeing Archer tonight, I sighed,  
Henceforth, whate’er happens  
I’ll look to the cap’n’s  
Masculine charms to provide.

740  
Tucker’s no cowpoke, he kens,  
And he nor T’Pol equestrians,  
but he looked _so_ fine  
bad dressage we don’min’  
’cos he had us on needles and pins.

741  
Humans treated the poor Skags like swine  
’Cept for one little lady with spine  
Teaching kids in the night  
how to figure and write  
buckin’ old Cooper Smith’s party line.

742  
Prejudices. Bethany. North Star. Skags.  
Super-Archer. Deputy. Nasty. Nags. _{old horses}_  
OM Trip in leather chaps!  
Tuckerites world-round collapse!  
Prime Directive. Zapped T’Pol. Promo? _< gags>. _

743  
It ended in a big gun fight  
(against bad guys who weren’t that bright).  
Jon’s shoulder did explode.  
“Just a flesh wound!” he crowed.  
“See? No blood! That is proof I’m all right!”

744  
This limerick will be an ode  
To Phlox’s pink pet Altair toad  
Watched by our girl Liz  
(Crewman Cutler, that is)  
We’ll miss her on our winding road.  


745  
Too soon we lost Kellie Waymire  
To her sweetness we can aspire  
She left us wanting more —  
a true pro to the core —  
Her mem’ry will not soon expire.

746  
When the bad guy looked right down the bus-  
iness end of Malcolm’s gun it was his  
Mistake to grab T’Pol.  
Didn’t faze Mal at all;  
He just fired with a smile on his phiz. 

747  
Death over ENT cast a pall  
As poor Trip’s life nearly did stall  
If it were not for Sim  
A4T would be grim  
And before the Xindi we would fall 

748  
Trip Tucker’s fate was on the brim  
Til along came a clone named Sim  
Who in a fortnight would be dead  
And who on his deathbed stoically said  
“I’ve done my part, now do yours and stop them.”

749  
Trip lived and Sim died instead  
(After donating part of his head)  
But in Trip’s place  
He was first to first base  
Leaving Trip to continue in his stead 

750  
Jon could hardly look Sim in the face  
But the clone met his end with good grace.  
No whining or whinging  
When Phlox came syringing  
Scared of dying? No, that’s not the case.

751  
Foot massages. Engine blast. Coma!Trip. Grim.  
Replication. Symbiote. Presto: Sim!  
Memories/Flirtation. Wow!  
Ent needs TRIP! Survival! How?  
Moral conflict! Who will die? Trip or...? Him.

752  
At Archer’s behavior I’m cringing  
’cause with anger he is my thoughts tinge-ing  
At his coldest of hearts  
(treating Sim like spare parts)  
I hope with guilt he is a-twinge-ing! 

753  
Young Sim had all of our Trip’s smarts  
But our Trip needed some of Sim’s parts.  
To T’Pol, Sim’s confession,  
Despite her repression,  
Showed she had both Trip and Sim’s hearts.

754  
Both Sim and Real Trip? His obsessions.  
(Which led to poor Jon’s indiscretions.)  
Things went from debauched to wild  
The next morning Jon smiled,  
They sure left two great big impressions!

755  
The larva grew into a child  
And then a young man who beguiled  
And knew of Trip’s past  
But grew old too fast  
And left Jon confused and up-riled. 

756  
T’Pol kissed a human at last  
A farewell gesture unsurpassed.  
But the info we lack  
Is just who kissed her back —  
And with two Trips is there a contrast?

757  
When Sim began giving him flak  
Captain Archer’s voice started to crack.  
“I need Trip! TRIP!” he pled.  
“And if need be, you dead!”  
“I don’t think you’re a murderer, Jack.” 

758  
With a wink and a grin Archer said,  
“Can you now get it through your cute head  
That time travel is real?”  
“Sorry, Captain, I feel  
I must bitch ’bout the physics instead.”

759  
Fiesta salad had no appeal  
And the combo was not a good deal.  
T’Pol turned down the fries  
Sitting near the creep’s thighs  
As she watched the fat on them congeal. 

760  
Trip had hardly blinked his eyes  
when they returned, to his surprise  
Had *I* blinked in his scene  
I’d have missed the old bean  
Thank god for contracts that are wise.

761  
Could more information Jon glean  
from Daniels if he would just lean  
on the mealy-mouthed twit?  
His “Jon de Sade” bit  
would have the guy whimpering — he’s mean! 

762  
The message came in, and it fit:  
“We’ve info to sell.” “They’re the Kritt,”  
Hoshi said, “and not far.  
Just the very next star!”  
Said Archer, “Let’s go. Hop to it!”

763  
Said Travis, “The Kritt are a scar.  
They invite you in, then they make war.”  
But Archer’s obsession  
with their desperate mission  
Drove him on to more and e’er more.

764  
Tucker said to Archer, “Fishin’  
for secrets is Mal’s job, and dishin’  
out hurts — he’ll protect you  
from yourself — ” “Well, that’s true.”  
“Forget it!” Jon snarled in admonition. 

765  
“I’m going, not taking you two  
— There’s enough here to do!”  
“What, polish the rails?”  
“Yes, and if all else fails  
Porthos’ bath is overdue.”

766  
Jonathan said, “I have heard strange tales  
Of aliens with most deadly wails.  
Reed, tie me to a nacelle  
So that all will be well.  
All plug your ears, lest your will e’er fails!” 

767  
Then as ENT warped toward Planet Hell  
A sound from the comm cast a spell  
Upon the bound man  
Who fought free and ran  
to the launch bay, but there Archer fell.

768  
I’ve borne as much as a Tuckerite can.  
Shaking hands with the Trip-playin’ man.  
Trying to get him online  
Will take more of a spine  
Mine’s gone all to jelly. (— his plan?)

769  
To say that Mr. CT is fine  
Would be to cross over a line  
So I simply say _::THUD::_  
And you’ll do the same, bud  
May the pleasure, some day, be all thine!

770  
Reed to the rescue — his plan  
To watch Archer as he did scan  
The skies for a threat  
or diversion, or get  
ENT free if the sh*t hit the fan.

771  
“Come visit with me, my dear pet,”  
purred the voice in Jon’s ears. “You’ll regret  
passing by.” Archer fought  
’gainst the ropes, but for naught —  
All he could do was break a sweat. 

772  
Every nerve in his body stretched taut,  
Though never appearing distraught,  
The ship Travis did steer  
While the planet came near  
And Archer lost all power of thought. 

773  
Now the song of the sirens was clear  
but poured only into Jon’s ear.  
His crew, not distracted,  
When enticed ne’er reacted.  
Straight and steady did Mayweather steer.

774  
The rules Captain A had enacted  
Kept the good crew from being attracted  
to the killers below.  
Which all goes to show  
that he hadn’t overreacted. 

775  
While dashing through the snow  
On the main starship in the show  
Jon regretted giving Trip  
So much undeserved lip  
Over the temp being a tad low.

776  
“Of this eggnog I’ll just take a nip  
And see if it has any zip.  
And if not, add some rum  
and admire the bum  
of the loveliest soul on the ship!”

777  
So under his breath he did hum  
As he waited for his fav’rite chum,  
Who arrived looking cute  
In a red Santa suit  
With a great big fat pillow-stuffed tum. 

778  
On his shoulder, a sack full of loot  
for the ENT crew, and Porthos to boot.  
Trip, gorgeous in costume,  
Then announced to the room  
That he’d gifts for those of good repute. 

779  
For T’Pol, nasal-numbing perfume;  
For Chef, plants with an edible bloom.  
Trav got to talk  
(at which Hoshi did gawk)  
And Archer’s dumb jokes cleared the room.

780  
Phlox’s gift? A Kzarnian stork*  
For Porthos his own roast of pork  
For Hoshi—two tomes  
Of Bivrakian poems,  
And Chef gave to each MACO a spork.  
_*some random animal for his menagerie, basically_

781  
Malcolm got two garden gnomes  
(which Trip carved from ’pod seating foams)  
And Archer a new ball  
(the old one still in the wall)  
While Trip got cool geodesic domes. 

782  
They stood there in the busy mess-hall  
And silent, together they all  
Gave thanks for one gift  
That had healed the rift  
Between them before they could brawl.

783  
When all had felt sadly adrift  
There he was on every shift  
The name of Trip  
Was on ev’ry lip  
And their thanks for his caring was swift.

784  
Abruptly, a jolt shook the ship  
And Lieutenant Reed then lost his grip  
on the cake he’d been holding...  
When he looked, it was moulding  
The unhappy features of Trip.

785  
Instead of the usual Captainly scolding  
Archer in vain tried his guffaws withholding  
Bent double with laughter  
That rang to the rafter  
When Trip’s frosting nose he was beholding. 

786  
Wiping off, Trip stated, “Hereafter,  
if making fun of me ya hafter,  
I declare open season —  
I’ll play pranks without reason  
whether you’re the joke-player or -drafter!” 

787  
Though Starfleet might call it “high treason,”  
He grabbed a plate with small trees on  
And threw it at Reed  
Who then did proceed  
To fire back with his new cheese gun.

788  
“No, not the cheddar!” Trip did plead.  
Fearing ol’ Porthos’s greed.  
“He’ll lick off my face!  
Drool all over the place!  
And dog slobber on me I don’t need!”

789  
“Make fun of my dog??!! You’re disgrace-  
ful, Trip!” Archer yelled, starting to pace.  
“Aw, come off it, he stinks,”  
grumbled Trip. “And T’Pol thinks  
the same thing, so — HEY! what’s with the mace?!” 

790  
Meanwhile, a shadow form slinks  
Its GEN EN REPT* eyelids it blinks,  
The crew, busy fighting,  
Don’t see him delighting  
And choosing where his fangs he sinks.  
_*genetically enhanced, reptilian_

791  
Suddenly, Travis makes a sighting;  
Alas, his frenzied “Help!” writing  
In whipped cream he outsprays  
From a can is delayed  
By the food fight that is then igniting. 

792  
Religion. Zealotry. NO TRIP! Fuck.  
Takeover. File Delete. Out of. Luck.  
A grabs Trip. Tells him: Chill.  
Transporter. Firefight. Thrill.  
Dead Planet. Told-you-so. Why, God?! Stuck. 

793  
But before Travis can fade  
Mal quickly whips out a blade  
All shiny and keen  
And with a smirk mean  
The shape-shifting beastie is slayed. 

794  
While ol’ Shran did strut, pose and preen,  
Archer was not so serene.  
T’Pol was suspicious,  
Mal’s blue friend malicious,  
And Grelik’s ghosts wrecked the machine.

 _Happy birthday dear thread,  
“I’m not yet quite dead!”  
Surely some record’s set  
for the longest thread yet!  
{ But no, only in evay’s head :evil: }_  


795  
While Malcolm did strut, pose and preen  
Archer was not so serene.  
“Those shifters are clever.”  
“Sir, I did his _neck_ sever.  
Look, you can see the cut’s clean!” 

796  
Trip praised Malcolm’s noble endeavour.  
Said “Darlin’, I’m your man if you ever  
need your phase cannon held.”  
\- Mal could have been felled  
With the slightest soft touch of a feather! 

797  
Shran’s outraged pride pricked, his chest swelled —  
“Our ‘consortium’ does not run!” he yelled.  
“...we’ll just sneak away”  
And all go on half-pay  
’til time the FEDERATION is gelled!” 


	2. House of Tucker BBS Limericks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Traffic on the TrekBBS dwindled, so we Tuckerites resurrected the Limerick thread on the HoT BBS for a short time. We also continued the _terza rima._

001  
While in decon with Mal and Trip  
Ol’Porthos gave Archer the slip  
like a greased pig he fled  
from the boys giving head  
aches to the staff of the ship.

002  
There once was a man from nantucket  
who flew ’round in space in a bucket  
he brought on his dog  
said he in his log  
and thought the guy’s name was trip tucket!

003  
Seeking someone to rub, Jon instead  
yelled “Why, that stupid dog...” but then read  
the contract’s fine print  
(which made his eyes glint)  
Since he found out what’s coming ahead!

004  
Said Malcolm, “We’re rid of the bint.”  
The gel had a sparkly tint —  
“Just like your eyes, sir!”  
Mal was heard to aver  
With a leer that was more than a hint.

005  
Archer whispered “Trip’s right there — are you sure?”  
“Positive,” Malcolm said with a purr.  
“But let’s be discreet  
and‘ not do it in the street  
and frighten the horses,’ as’ t were.”

006  
D’Jamat said to Jon with much heat,  
“My faith requires me to delete  
your unholy acts  
from your records of ‘facts’.”  
“Oh, that’s _great_! This Expanse is _some treat_!”

007  
Jon stopped Trip dead in his tracks  
With an arm-grab that said “Just relax!”  
“Keep your cool,” was his plea.  
“It’s not over, you’ll see.  
We’ve got Malcolm watching our backs.”

008  
D’Jamat said “Pick, Archer, for me,  
One of your Enterprise crew, to be  
A lamb for the slaughter.  
(I don’t know if I oughter...)  
N’some woman sought out Phlox, RE: Baby!

009  
“I choose myself!” Then T’Pol thought her  
Captain was toast. Jon’s plan sure caught her  
By surprise. But she acted  
Her part. Not distracted,  
She tried to look even distraughter. 

010  
“Paramount has you contracted —  
Your death cannot be transacted.”  
Trip is the best mate  
and will henceforth be bait  
But won’t from the cast be subtracted.

011  
The Zealot’s quest, he thought, was great:  
To wipe out the heretics they hate!  
Yet what came to pass  
was destruction, alas,  
which is most zealots’usual fate. 

012  
Doctor Phlox set loose his bat lass  
in hopes he could set out the gas  
and Phlox was in luck  
for the guard, he would duck  
in fear as the bat made each pass!

013  
Reed told the captain, “We’ve struck,  
and taken the bridge from that schmuck.”  
Jon to DJ: “Let’s go.  
I have something to show  
you. Results of your zeal run amok.”

014  
The thing in the cargo bay grew  
and snatched itself five of our crew!  
it couldn’t be shot  
without hurting the lot  
and poor Reed didn’t know what to do.

015  
Trip tried to self-off (drunken sot)  
to give Mal the one chance they’d got  
for breathable air —  
“Get your prat out of there!  
_Together_ we’re saved or we’re not!”

016  
Head trauma can sure be a bear  
as Trip found when he flew through the air  
but it’s all okay  
for Trip saved the day  
and Phlox up and made us a spare.

017  
Jon said, “Let’s take it nice and slow  
As through these anomalies we go.”  
But the ship soon was shakin’  
So Shran saved their bacon  
Before the last bit of bulkhead could blow.

018  
Jon’s head, it was pounding and achin’  
For his thirst he’d been happily slakin’  
With Andorian ale,  
Which could pickle a whale  
But sure livens up merry-makin’!

019  
Mal heard the captain and turned pale  
“Share our secrets in every detail?  
You must be joking, sir,  
I’m not working with HER!”  
“Aww, I’d love testing a human male...” 

020  
That Shran was a scurrilous cur  
Of that they thought they were sure.  
The weapon he stole  
Was his ace in the hole  
And he thought he had tricked Jon Archer. 

021  
No longer such a trusting soul,  
Archer captured Degra’s small ship whole  
and whipped up a plan  
to hornswaggle the man  
into being an unknowning mole.

022  
Then Trip said “I’ll build a tin can!  
We’ll rig it so that you can scan  
Him. So the SOB  
And his WMD  
We will stop before sh*t hits the fan!” 

023  
Phlox wiped old Degra’s memory  
With help from bloodworms. The Xindi  
then spilled the beans  
and gave ENT the means  
To get to the Prime (Azati).

024  
Major Hayes of the space marines  
And Lieutenant Reed vented their spleens.  
Their teeth did they gnash  
To the deck perilously crash  
Their tempers torn to smithereens.

025  
MACO ’tude Reed couldn’t abide  
so he tried to tan Hayes’hide  
they punched and they kicked  
but neither was licked  
and the music they faced side by side

026  
The anomaly looked like haz-mat  
and the pod guy’s tale was just too pat  
He didn’t know why  
They’d sent him to fly  
Through that burbling bubbling vat. 

027  
Now Malcolm’s a good-looking guy  
But when he needed a rub, Trip said “Fie!  
You’re just not my type — ”  
“Don’t believe all the hype,”  
said the Englishman. “Vulcans are... _dry_.”

028  
But Reed did continue to snipe.  
“Just drop it, Mal!” Trip then did gripe.  
“There’s nothing between us!”  
“All right, then don’t fuss,”  
said Mal mildly. “But rumors are ripe.”

029  
Now Travis, he isn’t a wuss  
Despite the way Malcolm did cuss  
He was winning the fight  
But went out like a light  
When that MACO hit him like a bus.

030  
Phlox said the crew’d be all right  
if he put them in comas — not quite  
like in stasis, but‘ out,’  
Though Trip Tucker did doubt,  
Saying “Wake me up if things get tight.”

031  
No question, that beagle’s devout  
He ran Phlox around and about  
With a shake of his leg  
He sat up to beg  
For a chewy leech in his snout.

032  
The Captain got taken down a peg  
When Trip stopped him trying to renege  
on the mission to save  
Terra from a mass grave  
in favor of a young Xindi egg.

033  
By the way Archer had started to behave  
The crew wondered if he was the eggs’slave  
But with T’Pol out of play  
Would our dear Trip betray  
His Captain? Could he really be that brave? 

034  
Once again OMT saved the day  
But for him there was no easy way:  
The captain, ’twas clear,  
Had for reason no ear,  
No matter what Trip had to say.

035  
Though some might call him “mutineer,”  
Trip knew that they had more to fear  
If the Enterprise failed  
In its mission. He quailed  
Not. “I’ll just have to stun you, my dear!”  
036  
Though some might call him “mutineer,”  
Trip knew that they had more to fear  
From Archer who commanded  
No Xindi egg be stranded  
Forcing Trip to shoot one held so dear.

037  
T’Pol watched Malcolm aim his gun  
Logic dictating he knew kill from stun  
Travis threw Major Hayes  
His MACOs were dazed  
And they all knew the bridge had been won. 

038  
Despite obstacles, detours, delays,  
They finally did fix their gaze  
on the giant star red.  
Their hearts filled with dread  
And their guts with an eerie malaise.

039  
Then Archer got it into his head,  
to take out the whole weapon instead  
of trying to talk  
“The Xindi will balk!”  
_ <zap>_“You’re on _Enterprise_ -J,” Daniels said

040  
We all heard the good captain squawk,  
“I’m sick of this silly TimeWalk!  
I’ll fly the bomb ship  
On this suicide trip.”  
But T’Pol’s face had turned white as chalk. 

041  
Since the Captain showed up as a blip  
He could not through the warning grid slip.  
So was hung by his thumbs  
But kept flapping his gums  
Which got him a lash of the whip.

042  
When T’Pol to the shuttlepod comes  
They’re no longer acting like chums  
So when Trip grabs her arm  
She could do him harm  
As to feelings intense she succumbs. 

043  
Though Trip tried his considerable charm  
T’Pol’s intentions he could not disarm  
“I won’t just sit by  
and watch T’Pol die”  
And then Reed sounded the Xindi alarm.

044  
“They’re coming to us!” came Reed’s cry.  
Many vessels had filled the dark sky.  
“Weapons!” was the shout  
for there was no doubt  
The vile Xindi had blood in their eye. 

[At a convention, Dominic Keating sneaked into Connor Trinneer’s autograph line. When Keating reached Trinneer, he pulled down his jeans and asked his castmate to sign his arse. Trinneer laughed and made a big X on Keating’s bum with his Sharpie.] 

045  
With a snicker and not with a pout  
DK pulls his posterior out  
of his shorts (and his jeans)  
On the table he leans —  
“Connor, sign, so my bum I might flout!”

046  
Battered, through space ENT careens  
while for Archer poor T’Pol keens  
The Xindi were split  
To free Jon or hit  
him more to make him spill the beans. 

047  
The Fish pod did seem a tight fit;  
No room for the Cap’n to sit.  
But Archer was sent  
On a trip back to ENT  
By old Degra, though bruised just a bit.

048  
In a race against time the crew went  
To meet Degra. Then Jon did present  
What proof he could find  
Would it change Degra’s mind?  
And then make the Xindi relent? / Would disaster they help circumvent? 

049  
Trip just hadn’t had time to unwind.  
Emotionally, he’d gone blind.  
A crewman and the ghost  
of the one he loved most  
In his thoughts had become intertwined.

050  
“I’m fine!” he’d repeatedly boast  
“Doesn’t hurt much when I’m engrossed.”  
But after days of no sleep  
The pain made him weep  
In the hall where poor Taylor was toast. 

051  
Although the captain had assigned  
Trip to write a letter, he declined.  
His grief ran so deep  
that it wasn’t a leap  
from Jane Taylor to Liz in his mind.

052  
Trip tried all his feelings to keep  
To himself, though the cost it was steep  
But at last with T’Pol  
He hid nothing at all  
And finally started to weep. 

053  
Malcolm Reed had another close call  
Though his leg wasn’t skewered at all  
They all said, “Come inside  
Or you’ll burn up your hide!”  
But he listens just like a brick wall.

054  
“I’m a junkie,” T’Pol did confide.  
“The withdrawals I cannot abide.  
It seems trellium addicts.  
So in search of a fix  
I went prowling and then almost died.”

055  
“At first I just shot up for kicks.  
Now my feelings are all in a mix.  
I just can’t get a grip  
And I don’t know if Trip  
Needs a kiss or a few good swift kicks.” 

056  
(Trip) I’m your dad? She’s your mom? You’re my son?  
(Archer) His _dad_? Your _wife_? Trip, look what you’ve done!  
(Phlox) I’m afraid that’s my bad.  
(T’Pol) Do I feel sad or mad?  
(Reed) Woe is _me_! I was dad to no one! 

057  
The plan that Lorian had  
Made Archer happy, then sad  
Jon was annoyed  
ENT could be destroyed  
But Trip’s son didn’t tell him — the cad!

058  
To the council Jon made an appeal  
To the sloth, the primate, and the seal _(I’m sorry but it rhymes)_  
But the repts and the bugs,  
Those back-stabbing thugs,  
Had their own plans, plus “KILL HUMANS!” zeal. 

059  
They shot Hoshi full of their drugs  
But she spit in their big ugly mugs.  
With worms in her head  
And a feeling of dread  
She tried to outwit the dumb lugs. 

060  
“I’m not a codebreaker!” she pled.  
“We’ll use you, or you will be dead.”  
She encrypted it more  
Then tried for the door  
But they filled her with more bugs instead. 

061  
Malcolm sent Hayes, MACOs (four),  
and plenty of big guns to fore  
for a good rescue team.  
Poor Hayes bought it mid-beam,  
but isn’t that what guests are for? 

062  
Archer pours on the speed, all extreme  
So the XindiBugs don’t get their dream  
Of getting to FOOM  
the big Sphere of Doom  
and destroying Terra’s soft green

063  
The Head EGAN* enters the room  
where Archer lies. Over him loom  
some medical Krauts,  
spouting worry and doubts  
’bout this stranger all burned from a BOOM.  
_*Evil Gargoyle Alien Nazi_

064  
The truck convoy Resistance routs,  
And the SS men die with short shouts.  
Cap’n’s safe in New York  
(but comes off like a dork)  
His escape means the Head EGAN pouts.

065  
The crew believe Archer is dead  
He’s caught by the Nazis instead  
Silik’s around  
New factions abound  
With grey skin and eyes of bright red.

066  
Xindi? KaBOOM. Archer dead*.  
Trip snaps at Polly. “Sorry” said.  
Suliban? Sonofa! Stretchy guys.  
Alien Nazis?! Those red eyes!  
Archer! New York, soooo not *.

067  
Alley. Alien. Gunshots. Lies.  
Timeline shattered. Daniels dies.  
Cap’n’s BACK! Hoshi hugs.  
Trip blows up some Nazi thugs.  
CAPTURED! Handcuffs!! Tortured cries??

068  
That Silik’s a slippery dude  
With the same old bad attitude.  
Can’t trust him a lick  
’Cause he has a neat trick  
That makes capture a cinch to elude.

069  
Daniels collapsed, looking sick —  
And Phlox could not fix him up quick.  
T’Pol had to know  
How to possibly go  
Make him talk ere the bucket he’d kick. 

070  
“Did you bring us here? Even though  
You’re dying you must tell me.” So  
Daniels told such a tale  
Time itself could soon fail  
If Vosk through the portal did go.

071  
Poor Trip was lookin’quite pale  
After mean Nazis on him did whale  
After Travis had gone,  
Using both brains and brawn  
Trip freed himself from Nazi jail.

072  
Stupid Silik, Fails Scans, Not Trip! _Zap!_  
Where the hell’s my... “Engineer“? Throat Grab! _Slap!_  
Shimmy shimmy up that pipe.  
Thoughts of peaches, oh so ripe.  
That you, Cap’n? Time we left. No Kiss! _Crap!_

073  
Poor Trip! With wrists tied up tight  
Needs something, looks up at the light —  
An idea does dawn,  
And without any jawin’,  
He starts shimmyin’— what a sight! 

074  
Finally, old Silik was gone  
and Daniels himself had withdrawn  
With a handcrafted FOOM  
Malcolm blew up the room  
where Vosk hoped to make time his pawn.

075  
The Captain’s not dead! though he wishes  
that Daniels would sleep with the fishes.  
Enough with time-travels!  
Vosk’s plots he unravels,  
then moves on to Hispanic dishes!

076  
Though drain pipes provide nice perspective,  
male bonding is much more selective!  
Trip/Archer’s reunion,  
a macho communion,  
is UPN’s homo-corrective!  


077  
T’Pol’s soul is frosted with sadness,  
though free now of drug-induced madness;  
’til Archer’s revival  
and Trip-boy’s survival  
bring hints of an un-Vulcan gladness!  


078  
At Tactical Malcolm’s brows pucker:  
he drools over airplanes, not Tucker!  
So three years of friendship’s  
a waste! In the end Trip’s  
reluctant his buddy to succor!

079  
Our heroine, Hoshi, decoded;  
and Travis — he spoke! it was noted.  
Though back in their places  
they shouldn’t make faces:  
To dog-sitter Phlox is demoted! 

080  
’Twas finally due time to resume  
homeward trek, weary fear did consume  
Is anyone there  
And will they still care?  
And has Mom rented out my old room? 

081  
“Captain,” Travis said with a stare  
“They’re calling” she hap’ly did share  
Welcomed home by the fleet  
Silenced, awestruck and sweet  
They gazed at the sight, answered prayer! 

[These referred to fans’ efforts to save the show. Les Moonves was chair and CEO of CBS, which owned UPN, and Dawn Ostroff was UPN president. Bonnie Hammer was president of the SciFi Network, currently known as SyFy, and we were hoping SciFi might pick up ENT if UPN dropped it. Spike was another possible network which was appealed to. The organization Save _Enterprise_ was kind of a proto-Kickstarter, aimed at raising enough fan money to produce a fifth season. They took out full-page ads in newspapers and magazines talking about how much we loved the show and begging for it not to be cancelled. Save _Enteprise_ ultimatelyraised $56,000 in pledges from individuals and $3 million from three anonymous donors.] 

082  
Moonves: Just cancel the damn show, no one cares!  
Ostroff: Then they’ll write, fax and call... send up flares!  
SaveEnt: FULL PAGE _L.A. TIMES_ ADS!  
TrekUnited: CASH DONATIONS IN SCADS!  
Bonnie Hammer: I want Vulcan ears a Trekkie wears!

083  
They met round the globe holding signs  
They’re not all dressed up, media whines :(  
But cast and crew cheered  
While ENT fans’eyes teared  
They DO think alike, great Trek minds!

084  
He used the “C” word, as we feared! _[cancellation]_  
“I’ll get you my pretties,” he sneered!  
Called up Vinnie, in Queens  
(Does knees, prefers spleens)  
“Hate for somethin’to happen,” he leered.

085  
No Vinnie! No violence, no big scenes.  
Just a message, we says what we means.  
Something simple and short  
Cause the ball’s in our court:  
Put _Enterprise_ back on our screens!

086  
“So you think this is it?” fans retort,  
“Further missions, you simply abort?!?!  
Snatch away future’s dreams?  
Is the wrong choice it seems!”  
As fans prove it by worldwide support! 

087  
56K isn’t beans —  
that’s what we’ve raised, to keep Gene’s  
best efforts alive  
and air Season Five  
Towards SCI-FI or Spike we all leans. 


End file.
